Arguing with my wife is like this: I came! I saw! I concurred!
~ Anonymous
Our marriage is based on compromise-he admits he's wrong and I forgive him.
~ Carol Spieker
My wife and I have many arguments but she only wins half of them. My mother-in-law wins the other half.
~ Terry Bechtol
I can always tell what kind of a time I'm having at a party by the look on my wife's face.
~ John Bedrosian
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
~ Roseanne Barr
I'd like to go to assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
~ Adam Christing
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
Never get married in the morning because you never know who you'll meet that night.
~ Paul Hornung
When I met Jean I felt God reach down out of the sky pull my hair and say This one dummy.
~ Richard Atcheson
They were married for better or worse. He couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse.
she: Before we got married you told me you were well-off. he: I was and I didn't know it.
~ Jacob Braude
When my wife was asked Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . . she answered For richer.
It is assumed that the woman must wait motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.
~ George Bernard Shaw
The man who boasts he never made a mistake is often married to the woman who did.
Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.
~ Harlan Miller
True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells get your ears checked.
~ Erich Segal
You can easily tell he's a newlywed because he's still smiling at his mother-in-law.
~ Elmer Pasta
So you want to become my son-in-law. Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.
You need that guy like a giraffe needs a strep throat.
~ Ann Landers
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.
~ Molly Mcgee
I do not spoil women. ... I don't send them flowers and gifts. . . . I'm saving those gestures until I am an unpleasant old man who must resort to bribery to win a woman's synthetic affections.
~ George Sanders
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
~ Rita Rudner
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
~ Phyllis Diller
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
~ Maurice Chevalier
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
~ Michel De Montaigne
The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.
~ Harold Nicolson
This is a perfect pair - he's a hypochondriac and she's a pill.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.
Advice to son: Never confuse I love you with I want to marry you.
~ Cleveland Amory
Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.
~ Robert Neville
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman and God help him still more if he finds her.
~ Ben Tillet
My husband yells comments like How long till you're ready? Throw out a date.
~ Wendy Morgan
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
~ Robert Orben
Keeping a secret from my wife is like trying to smuggle daylight past a rooster. Annoyed wife to husband: Can't you just say we've been married twenty-four years instead of almost a quarter of a century?
After paying for the wedding about all a father has left to give away is the bride.
~ Ned Spieker
She represents the country Alamonia.
~ David Letterman
A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying Do we have to ask them? to people whose first response is How much do you think we have to spend on them?
~ Judith Martin
You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
~ Marie Corelli
