Wit Quotes

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

~ Christopher Moore

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say:Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

~ Chip Kidd

For a poet he threw a very accurate milk bottle.

~ Ernest Hemingway

M'sieur, I am as a slave to my wife. He kissed the tips of his fingers. I am as the dirt beneath her feet. He clasped his hands. I must bestow on her all that she desires, or die!Pray make use of my sword, invited his Grace. It is in the corner behind you.

~ Georgette Heyer

I am a mediocre being, a bit cunning.

~ Renée Vivien

When I'm in love, I can't stand anyone.

~ Stefano Benni

You would wind up as a cat, I told her. They don't need anyone else. I need you, she replied.Well, I said. Maybe I'll come back as catnip.

~ Jodi Picoult

His foe was folly and his weapon wit.

~ Anthony Hope

Wit is the thought process that generates truly funny observations, as well as the most incisive comments, lasting quips, and brilliant asides. To say wit is mean is like saying the sun is mean for burning you: The giant ball of hot plasma at the center of our solar system is bigger than that, and why weren't you wearing sunscreen in the first place?

~ Benjamin Errett

Deliver me from my disciples!

~ Oscar Wilde

That's what you think of me, is it, girl? said his lordship, a glint in his

~ Georgette Heyer

...it is indeed a street of so impertinent a nature, so unfortunately connected with the great London and Oxford roads, and the principal inn of the city, that a day never passes in which parties of ladies, however important their business, whether in quest of pastry, millinery, or even (as in the present case) of young men, are not detained on one side or other by carriages, horsemen, or carts. This evil had been felt and lamented, at least three times a day, by Isabella since her residence in Bath...

~ Jane Austen

Going to marry her? Impossible! You mean a part of her; he could not marry her all himself. It would be a case, not of bigamy but trigamy; there is enough of her to furnish wives for the whole parish. One man marry her! - it is monstrous! You might people a colony with her; or give an assembly with her; or perhaps take your morning's walk round her, always provided there were frequent resting places, and you were in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her before breakfast, but only got half way and gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the Riot Act and disperse her; in short, you might do anything but marry her!

~ Sydney Smith

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. “I’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

~ Mark A. Cooper

A fool is a man who believes glory can be found at the tip of a sword instead of on the tip of his tongue. That is life’s cruel trick.

~ Natalia Jaster

Always remember that you can explain things for people, but you can't comphrend for them.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Always remember that you have been called worse things by better people.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Snark is a fabulous defense mechanism.

~ Betsy Schow

There is no greater hiding place for a secret than within the mind of a madman.

~ Alexander Ferrick

There's no greater proof of an impoverished mind than its inability to be witty except at other people's expense.

~ Fernando Pessoa

I have great affection for you, Roy I answered, but I don't think you are the sort of person I'd care to have breakfast with.

~ W. Somerset Maugham

Those who are most sincere are also the most morally suspect, as well as being incapable of producing or appreciating wit.

~ Ian M. Banks

Happy hour? Jason says. It's barely noon, GramsOh, shush, you. You'll have some, yes?'Well-he smiles slyly and wiggles his eyebrows-if you insist. Every time, it's the same thing. Leaning in, he rubs his hands together expectantly. The drinking age in New York State was raised last year, so technically, I suppose, this is still illegal for my grandson. But the Jews didn't spend forty years wandering the desert so that I could forfeit a gin and tonic with my progeny...

~ Susan Jane Gilman

When I was young, I used to watch a lot of old movies and read a lot of books, and I was always amazed at how every one of them had some helpless damsel who was oh so happy to fall into the hero’s arms, and I’m not that kind of girl- Yvonne

~ Alexander Ferrick

He listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner; and as his composure convinced her that all was safe, her wit flowed long.

~ Jane Austen

NE'TWORK: Any thing reticulated or decussated, at equal distances, with interstices between the intersections.......RETI'CULATED: Made of network; formed with interstitial vacuities.

~ Samuel Johnson

I hope to return. I’ll do so if I’m not killed. Probably will anyway.

~ Brandon Sanderson

A palindrome,” I said the first time she told me. She looked at me, perplexed, and that’s when I knew I could never love her. What a waste of a palindrome she was, that Hannah.-Owen Gentry

~ Colleen Hoover

I follow my own methods, and tell as much or as little as I choose. That is the advantage of being unofficial.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Being a Gentleman, has more to do with hiding his flaws, than exhibiting the virtues!

~ Ramana Pemmaraju

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

~ Benny Bellamacina

It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, this writing thing may just pan out.

~ Rebel Miller

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all of its own.

~ Terry Pratchett

I wonder now how we got by when you weren't here.I have no doubt the devastation was widespread, the suffering universal.Indeed, it was the Dark Ages in the annals of Mrs. Dawlish's house. Ignorance was thick on the ground, and unenlkghtenment befogged all the windows.

~ Sherry Thomas

Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Jack shall have Jill.Nought shall go ill.

~ William Shakespeare

Really?No. I'm being ironic. Or is it sarcastic? I can never remember.Irony's cleverer, so you're probably being sarcastic.

~ Jonathan Stroud

My wit is only as stupid as the audience.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

In retrospect, I am very nearly as sharp as I pretend to be.

~ Lyndsay Faye