Funny Quotes

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

~ Criss Jami

717! You are behaving like a demented bluebottle - stop that!

~ Laline Paull

The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!

~ Shannon L. Alder

You might be an introvert if you were ready to go home before you left the house.

~ Criss Jami

No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.

~ Criss Jami

Seriousness is too boring to the playful human condition. A heart of stone that has a long face can never express love.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

The greater the injury, the greater the fun.

~ Leinad Eibam

Opposities are married.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

But marriage is forever.''Oh, not really,' he assured her. 'Only until one of us dies.'Her eyes widened. 'I do not want you to die,' she said.'Perhaps you will go first,' he said, 'though I rather think I hope not. I would probably have grown accustomed to you by then and would miss you.

~ Mary Balogh

But marriage is forever.''Oh, not really,' he assured her. 'Only until one of us dies.'Her eyes widened. 'I do not want you to die,' she said.'Perhaps you will go first,' he said, though I rather think I hope not. I would probably have grown accustomed to you by then and would miss you.

~ Mary Balogh

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

~ Oliver Markus

Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.

~ Pawan Mishra

In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes.

~ Howard Mittelmark

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

~ Richard Belzer

The online music magazine Pitchfork once wrote that I would collaborate with anyone for a bag of Doritos.

~ David Byrne

Anything you say can and will be used against you, so only say my name.

~ Fall Out Boy

I just don't— Ronan. My ears are bleeding!Ronan turned down the music.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Name a song. Any song at all.She thought for a moment and said, 'Claire de Lune.'I placed my hands on the keyboard. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back and struck a key, sounding a single note. There you go. Gimme another one. I can play the first note of anything. As long as I get to choose the key it's in.

~ Michael Darling

Ah, yes, the mix tape. The mating call of the introvert.

~ Sophia Dembling

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

~ Oliver Markus

In the Belgian backwaters, south of Bruges, there lives a reclusive English composer, named Vyvyan Ayrs. You won’t have heard of him because you’re a musical oaf, but he’s one of the greats.

~ David Mitchell

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

~ Set It Off

What do you mean? In Old Castle? I still live with my parents in case you haven’t noticed, Jack. Those two strangers – that man and woman sitting on my sofa – are actually my parents. Oh, you mean your place? Yes, let’s evict your parents…let’s place them neatly in a cardboard box and leave it by the rubbish bins!

~ Jonathan Dunne

There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

When I opened the door, Andrew was standing there like a remedy for heart palpitations. Or maybe he made them worse. It was hard to tell.

~ N.r. Walker

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

~ Criss Jami

And I sort of felt her...you know. Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. You touched her heart? Mike queried. No! Her bum. It's sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart.He flexed his fingers, remembering the feel of it. Soft.

~ Angela Verdenius

It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language.

~ Erin Forbes

Someday my prince will come,” she lamented softly, “too fast.

~ Melinda Duchamp

I… I can’t. I wish I were a little bolder.”“What for?” the Hatter asked. “Being a small rock wouldn’t be much fun.

~ Melinda Duchamp

Squeezing her eyes shut, hating every moment, the put a single finger in and moved it around.“There’s nothing,” she lamented.“Go deeper.”Alice did.“Deeper.”“There’s nothing,” she yelled, pulling out her hand in anger and humiliation.“Of course there is nothing,” the Hatter said. “Who ever heard of such a ridiculous thing?”“So why did you make me do it?” Alice demanded.“Because it was really hot,” he answered.

~ Melinda Duchamp

Do you mean that Zane is some kind of bird magnet?

~ C.j. Milbrandt

Are you educated in the art of medicine?” Yeah, the art of Walgreens and Urgent Care. “A bit,” I hedged.

~ Lisa Tawn Bergren

Kate grasped her small handbag and pulled a small blue vial and threw it into the grinding mass. It shattered harmlessly, causing two creatures to pause with a look of confusion.What is that potion? Simon asked.Kate stared as the two undead things began to shuffle forward again. She glanced into her purse. Damn it! That was my perfume.

~ Clay Griffith

What did you do? Kate asked.Nothing. We're inside the wards. Simon laughed and drank the elixir.She looked around with surprise. How can you tell? At night? In the snow?That tree. He indicated an ash tree standing amidst other ash trees.It looks like a thousand other trees.No, it looks like you. Simon took a shallow, pained breath, but smiled. It's my marker.Both Kate and Malcolm stared at the tree. Kate cocked her hip. It looks like me? A tree? That's flattering.Yes. See how the curves-- Simon worked his hands in an hourglass shape. It looks like you.

~ Clay Griffith

Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.

~ Rick Riordan

The combined odors of Cass's subtle aftershave and the disgusting reek of Nic are overpowering. I wonder if Cass will keel over and I'll have to perform CPR. This speculation should not feel so much like a fantasy.

~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

My own brother calling me a brickhead. Sneering faeries insulting me. Women punching me in the face. How much more am I to swallow in one bloody day?

~ Nora Roberts

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west.Gwen blinked slightly at that. I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean.

~ Jim Butcher