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Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

~ Tamara Thorne

Tamara Thorne Dirty Funny Humor Humorous

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Funny Humorous Light Ball Love Single Single Life Woman

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it.

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Challenge Funny Humorous Independence

How come I have too many things to do all the time...??

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Busy Funny Humorous Time

I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles.

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Fate Fortune Telling Funny Horoscope Humorous Life Reading Trouble

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Art Artist Drinking Funny Humorous Night Painting Witty

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Art Artwork Bent Clock Funny Humorous Painting Salvador Dali Surrealism Witty

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

~ Spuds Crawford

Spuds Crawford Funny Humorous

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

~ Rebecca Murphy

Rebecca Murphy Bad Plans Funny Humorous School Stripping

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

E.a. Bucchianeri Being Polite Democracy Dinner Dinner Conversation Dinners Ettiquette Freedom Freedom Of Speech Funny Gadfly Humor Humorous Ironic Political Correctness Rights Sad But True Table Manners

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Michael Bassey Johnson Admiration Admire Crowd Endurance Fart Farting Favour Favouritism Funny Humor Humour Michael Bassey Johnson Poverty Unpopularity

I believe books should be like a prime rib steak ~ good and thick.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

E.a. Bucchianeri Arts And Humanities Authors Big Books Book Book Worm Book Worms Books Classic Literature Funny Humor Love Of Books Love Of Reading Novel Novels Prime Rib Quotes By Authors Readers Readers And Writers Readers Life Reading Steak Thousand Page Books Twitter Size Quotes Writers

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

~ Sara Sheridan

Sara Sheridan Crime Funny Genre Humour Murderers Writers Writing

A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s demons that keep a tortured writer’s spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they’ll give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won’t do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.

~ Colin Nissan

Colin Nissan Funny Humor Writers Writing

Where are you going this hot day, Mis’ DeJong?”Selina sat up very straight. “To Bagdad, Mrs. Pool.”“To — Where’s that? What for?”“To sell my jewels, Mrs. Pool. And to see Aladdin, and Harun-al-Rashid and Ali Baba. And the Forty Thieves.”Mrs. Pool had left her rocker and had come down the steps. The wagon creaked on past her gate. She took a step or two down the path, and called after them. “I never heard of it. Bag — How do you get there?”Over her shoulder Selina called out from the wagon seat. “You just go until you come to a closed door. And you say ‘Open Sesame!’ and there you are.”Bewilderment shadowed Mrs. Pool’s placid face. As the wagon lurched on down the road it was Selina who was smiling and Mrs. Pool who was serious.The boy, round eyed, was looking up at his mother. “That’s out of Arabian Nights, what you said. Why did you say that?” Suddenly excitement tinged his voice. “That’s out of the book. Isn’t it? Isn’t it! We’re not really ——”She was a little contrite, but not very. “Well, not really, perhaps. But ’most any place is Bagdad if you don’t know what will happen in it. And this is an adventure, isn’t it, that we’re going on? People in disguise in the Haymarket. Caliphs, and princes, and slaves, and thieves, and good fairies, and witches.”“In the Haymarket! That Pop went to all the time! That is just dumb talk.

~ Edna Ferber

Edna Ferber Adventure Arabian Nights Funny

You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Angel Crowley Evil Funny Good And Evil Good Omens Humor Thwart Wile

My hands still on his shoulders. “Hi,” he says. “Sorry.” “For what?” “For the fact that you are such a big flirt.” He laughs. “You’re the one in my lap. I was just sitting here minding my own business.” “Just the plane, then?” “Of course.” I try to stand up, but he pulls me back down again. “Man, the plane is really bumpy today,” he says.

~ Kasie West

Kasie West Adorable Contemporary Romance Funny Humor The Distance Between Us

I was just wondering how long we were going to pretend like we annoyed each other before we started sleeping together.

~ Beck Anderson

Beck Anderson Alpha Male Contemporary Romance Fly Fishing Funny Idaho Romance Romantic Comedy

You should seriously get a job planning dates for The Bachelor.

~ Nicki Elson

Nicki Elson Boat Chicago Contemporary Romance Date Datenight Funny Love Romance

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

~ R.l. Mathewson

R.l. Mathewson Contemporary Romance Funny Humor Humour Romance

Roses are read, violets are blue; I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Cute Moment Erotica Funny Romance

I like my money, and if you mess with it, I fuck with you.I raised my eyebrow. You want to fuck with Alec?What? No, that's not what I meant.But you said you-I know what I said you smartass

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Erotica Romance Funny

Ow! Aideen suddenly hollered which earned a bark from my bedroom.Go back asleep you fat shite! Aideen shouted when I swiped the antiseptic wipe over a small cut above her eye.I hissed at her, Leave him alone, he isn't fat. He just has a thick coat!Aideen laughed through her hissing. Yeah, a thick coat of blubber.I gave her a firm look. Don't slag me baby when I'm cleanin' you up. Me finger might slip and jam into your eye.

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Friendship Funny

I can walk... see.I made my legs walk.What are you doing?Vertical walkin'.Alec laughed. Pitch Perfect?Amazin' film.

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Amazin Film Contemporary Romance Erotic Romance Funny

I rolled my eyes. Just go get your tattoo before I change me mind, you dirty fuck.Alec waggled his eyebrows. I'd give you a dirty fuck, kitten.

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Funny

Oh, so your middle finger has a mind of its own then? Alex asked with an amused look.I glared at him and said, Yeah, and she was just sticking up for me

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Funny

I pulled back and stared up into his eyes. You're gettin' very deep on me.Alec's hands gripped my behind. I'll be getting very deep in you if you keep looking at me like that

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Contemporary Romance Funny

Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered.“Define stupid.”“Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.” Or their hearts…“I want to hear about your favorite body part,” he said. “In great detail.

~ Jill Shalvis

Jill Shalvis Contemporary Romance Funny Hot Humor Romance Sexy

Look,” she said, “apparently you bring out my inner slut. I’m not going to thank you for that.”Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. “I could make you.”She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. “Don’t even think about it.”“Oh, I won’t,” he said silkily. “But you will.”And she knew he was right.

~ Jill Shalvis

Jill Shalvis Contemporary Romance Funny Hot Humor Jill Shalvis Sexy

Don't see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something. He cast his eyes downward and didn't look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy. My buddies don't have boobs, as far as I know. Because you felt them up to be sure? I chuckled, against my better judgement. Once again, his mouth dropped open.

~ Stephanie Witter

Stephanie Witter 2B Or Not 2B College Contemporary Contemporary Romance Funny Love Na New Adult New Adult Romance Roomies Roommates

Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic,” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance Romantic

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

~ Robyn Carr

Robyn Carr Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] “When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don’t grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you’d concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs!

~ A.g. Starling

A.g. Starling Competition Contemporary Romance Funny Game Lizzie Bennet Love Manhood Sexy Sports Tennis Witty
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