Funny Quotes

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

~ Oliver Markus

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent and to embrace one which is illogical and incoherent?

~ James Joyce

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

~ Tennessee Williams

I'm a born-again atheist.

~ Gore Vidal

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

~ Martin Amis

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

~ George Everett Macdonald

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

~ Criss Jami

I wont take no for an answer. I will use this to bind you to my bed until you change your mind if you dont answer the way I want you to. Will you marry me?She grinned. I dont know. Her attention fixed on the tie for a few seconds before she met his gaze again. I might be tempted to say no just to get you to tie me to your bed.

~ Laurann Dohner

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot Texas day.

~ Cheldoncooper

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge. 

~ Karen Quan

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

~ Josh Stern

A woman is always better in everything with the mouth, she talks a lot.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

In a nice little house in Atro City there lived a man called Doktor Gleichstein. He was a kind of scientist, and he was very good at his job, which is why he always worked from home. He looked a little funny because he kept losing his eyebrows. Quantum Physics, is sort of like ordinary Physics, only you tend to spend a lot more time looking for the cat. He worked in the sitting room because he’d blown the garage up once already. Apparently a lot of things happened by accident in Quantum Physics.

~ Christina Engela

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.

~ Mark Twain

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict.

~ G.m. Jackson

He returned my smile with a half grin. So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

~ Ryan Lilly

I like to skip prewriting. I love just jumping into the actual writing process. Then I revise/edit and fix what I need to. Then the following steps; proofread and publish. Of course before you just go into writing, it would be a good idea to do some charts of each chapter...what you would want each one to be about and have a character list with their personalities and how they will come into play in your book. I mean, you wouldn't just want to go all crazy and jot down all kinds of random stuff at once...trust me, you'll go crazy. With writing, you take it as it comes, go with your own flow.-Nina Jean Slack

~ Nina Jean Slack

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

~ D.d. Chant

If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect.

~ Ted Turner

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

~ Katie Graykowski

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at being me,' I said. 'I've had all these years to practice--I hardly ever get it wrong these days.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Plot twist: everything goes exactly as planned.

~ Criss Jami

You gotta be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody that goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happen!' Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen? What are you, stupid?

~ Louis C. K.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

~ Oscar Wilde

I’d given him bits and pieces of my peculiar life, but colored softer and funnier than they had been. I’d painted my dad as Don Quixote in a semi, on a quest for philosophical truths and the best cup of coffee in the nation.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her.Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

~ Bill Cosby

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy.

~ J.d. Salinger

I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

~ Kristen Simmons

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

~ Kasey Collin P. Dumdum

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Balls to ten minutes.

~ Kristen Ashley

She had yet to actually call him by his real name. The psychologist in him had all kinds of theories as to why. The man in him wanted to hear her say it. Just once.

~ Kelly Moran

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

~ Kelly Moran

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.

~ Meghan Ciana Doidge

No tricks, Syn,” Ryder growled from where he stood a few feet away.“Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit,” I said

~ Amelia Hutchins