Funny Quotes

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.

~ Eoin Colfer

Owr brave little shank!

~ James Dashner

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

~ George Carlin

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

~ Nenia Campbell

It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped.Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

~ R.l. Mathewson

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

~ Nenia Campbell

You must be a blast on long car rides.”“Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

~ Nenia Campbell

I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

~ Merrie Haskell

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?”“My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

~ Nenia Campbell

Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester.I flipped him off.Well that wasn't funny at all.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

~ Jenny Lyn

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist.

~ Jennifer Bosworth

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

~ Annie Brewer

You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

~ Jen Lancaster

I think we ought to find something else to do,” said Mandy. “But Alecto my love, you’re the first person to notice my retro diner kitchen. When my parents saw it, they thought I was creating a weird art project.”“I like it. It's got that let’s-drown-ourselves-in-better-days type ambiance,” Alecto declared, his gray eyes narrowed.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

Victoria's got her secrets. Hey, so do I!

~ Si Robertson

If you tell anyone what I just told you, I’ll call the Mob. I know some of them, you know.” “Bullshit.” I shrugged. “Believe what you want.” Finch eyed me suspiciously, and then smiled. “You are officially the coolest person I know.” “That’s sad, Finch. You should get out more,” I said, stopping at the cafeteria entrance.

~ Jamie Mcguire

Are you still running that bar?” Maureen’s voice dropped to a shocked whisper on the last word and Hope rolled her eyes, working the pick through Maureen’s thick hair.“The Cue Club? Yes, ma’am, I am.” Angel leaned forward with her best devilish wink. “But I’m thinking of changing the name to the Den of Iniquity and getting some exotic dancers. You know, strippers.”Miss Maureen’s eyes widened, pencil-thin brows nearly reaching the salt and pepper curls falling onto her forehead.

~ Linda Winfree

You know what you are, Sam Brody? she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. A big, fat tease. They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant.

~ Jill Shalvis

Hell if I know. I’m twenty-six, single, just signed a year lease on an apartment…” She touched her eyebrows with her fingertips. “Damn, why did I move back here?” “Sorry.” I grimaced. “The job market isn’t as bad as it was. I’d give you a job if you really needed one.”“Thanks. Not sure how good of a bouncer I would be.”“Maybe hair holder for drunk girls.”“Sounds great,” she said flatly then made a gagging sound.

~ Nicole Castro

I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. “Ever,” she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.He had a really great mouth.

~ Jill Shalvis

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when reaching for fruit in upper rows.

~ Don Delillo

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

~ Jonathan Ashworth

U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe.He take one last bite of the Chicago style deep dish pizza that he has flown to him every day on the Amerecan tax payer's dime and wipe the grease off his mouth with the U.S. consititutien.He get up and walk to desk, where he keeps the Kenyan black magic crystle ball. Its black glow iluminate his face.Eeny, meeny, miney, mo — which basic U.S. freedoms are next to go? he say aloud to no one and every one at the same time.Then he flash that trade mark Bary Obame million doller grin as a crack of lightning sound in the distence.

~ Seinfeld 2000

By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can be dangerous. I’ve heard about kids catching the flu and chicken pox, even Judaism.And how about those poor kids lugging all those heavy books to and from school every day? My books never went anywhere, just like me. I felt so bad when I’d see kids on my street giggling and chasing each other around with those awkward backpacks.

~ Colin Nissan

LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Mark Twain once said, “Show, don’t tell.” This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like “Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

~ Colin Nissan

... they only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn’t understand tractor pulls, either.

~ John Barnes

For the most part, each day listed a different rendition of Justin ate well and Justin took a great nap. Every now and then they noted Justin doing unusual things, like biting. I was embarrassed to read Justin is biting his friends again or Justin did better with biting and only bit one boy. Other than that, though, my son was a pretty happy-go-lucky kid.

~ Pattie Mallette

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him in any way was gratifyingly small. Yet Miss Prudence Merridew had most unmistakably rejected him. Several times. Wielding that damned lethal reticule like a little Amazon, to emphasize her point.

~ Anne Gracie

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?Lillian shot her a withering glance. Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Just look at the fellow, standing there like a bloody Greek god. Do you think she chose him because of his intellect?”“I graduated from Cambridge,” Christopher said acidly. “Should I have brought my diploma?

~ Lisa Kleypas

I was shy,” said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side.

~ Anne Gracie

Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked.“No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority.“Thicketry?”“Yes, that is the official term.

~ Anne Gracie

Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.

~ Anne Gracie

I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. “Ever,” she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.He had a really great mouth.“I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

~ Jill Shalvis

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn’t looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked…feral.And she was his prey.

~ Jill Shalvis

Oh, doctor. I think I’m sick I need some penis-cilin.” I fake cough again into my hand.

~ S.k. Logsdon

Here,” I said, shoving the board into his hands. He started laughing.“WHAT are you laughing at?!” I demanded irritably.“Well, it’s just that… that’s going to hurt a bit, my dear. Go on, bend over. I’ll demonstrate.

~ Sadey Quinn

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

~ Bauvard