Funny Quotes

Probably more than any concrete vice or failing Amory despised his own personality - he loathed knowing that to-morrow and the thousand days after he would sell pompously at a compliment and sulk at an ill word like a third-rate musician or a first-class actor.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

~ Nenia Campbell

Let's play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

I won’t share you, Dylan. I mean that. If you think for one second now that we’re married, you can try and pull some kind of shit over on me, you’d better think again. I can take whatever you can dish out when it comes to pain, embarrassment and humiliation, and whatever else you have going on in that wicked mind of yours, but I’ll be damned if I’ll share you with another woman. Or man.” What the fuck? I almost laugh at her, but she’s so serious she would probably slap the shit out of me. “Calm the hell down. I’m not trying to pull anything over on you, okay? And seriously, a man?” “Well, I don’t know. Maybe one of your secrets is that you like getting pegged in the ass or something.” This time I laugh out loud at her and she narrows her eyes at me. Don’t ask me to peg you either, because it’s never going to happen.” I laugh even louder. Good God this woman is funny. “I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

~ Ella Dominguez

Oooo...He's being a saucy motherfu*ker tonight. He does wrong and I'm the one who gets treated like the whore of Babylon. Fine, he wants a show I'll give him a damn show.

~ S.k. Logsdon

You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautiful

~ Cherise Sinclair

Now, can I help you with something? I’m new, but I’ll do my best to figure out how to get what you need.”…“That’s good to hear, Abby, since I need your breasts for a few minutes.

~ Cherise Sinclair

We were in the middle of a scene, and this crazy woman comes roaring out of the crowd, screaming, grabs my whip, and damned if she didn’t punch me.” Rubbing his reddened chin, the man’s lips curved a little. “It’s almost funny, but still, she ruined our scene.

~ Cherise Sinclair

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

~ Starla Kaye

My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before they got married.

~ Cherise Sinclair

He caught her staring and smiled-not a conceited I-work-out-and-have-a-great-body type smirk, but more of a I’m-a-boy; you’re-a-girl; life is good.

~ Cherise Sinclair

I hear Mr. Palmer tell Hannah that it was an electrical fault. Five arsonists in one school and it ends up being something so technically boring.

~ Melina Marchetta

I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle off this mortal coil until I have read the ten most boring classics.

~ Jasper Fforde

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

~ Bryan Davis

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don't much care about anyone's sensibilities anymore. I am called BadSquirrel for a reason. Considering how incredibly rude and grouchy I have become, I expect all of you to be extremely grateful to the QMBG (Queen Mother Bitch Goddess for those of you who haven't kept up) for all of the good warm fuzzy bits of my story. If you like it, it's because she went through it and took out all the really disturbing parts and made me behave.

~ Badsquirrel

Story Content Warning: There will be angst, sex, a little rough language and rampant lesbianism. If this is not your cup of tea, don't drink it. If you are not old enough to read this, you will be soon. It might be in your best interest to wait until you are older. If you live in a place where this is not legal... why are you still living there? Maybe it's time for you to move on.

~ Badsquirrel

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936)

~ Francis William Aston

It's called the Infinity Effect.

~ Edward M. Wolfe

My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for seeking new funs. If they could learn how to be cooperative each others, my life could be way easier... sigh*

~ Hiroko Sakai

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

~ Christopher Shevlin

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network... Of course they do! Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

~ Ernest Cline

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

~ Ryan Lilly

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call food.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

~ James Morrison

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

~ Belle De Jour

Sher just laughed, shaking her head in genuine bemusement. “Just think it through Ace. I’m sure the answer will come to you… eventually.” Jake sat there in silence, staring at the closed door to Sher’s bedroom. What had just happened here? Well, he’d just knocked back Sher’s invitation to have sex for starters. Oh my God, what had he just done?

~ Jane Cousins

She wondered what he really saw when he looked at her. God, she hoped she didn’t look like his mother or anything. That would be veering into a Hitchcock shower scene that she really didn’t want to be the star of.

~ Jane Cousins

The other good thing was that I had enough rank to strong-arm Marjit into confessing that she'd been the one who'd told everything to Pa about my first invisibility cap, which was how Pa knew to come steal it. Unfortunately, since my rank in the surface world hung off Pa's, I did NOT have enough rank to take him to task for stealing my cap. So I just put him to sleep during a fancy dinner, so that he went facedown into the sour soup. Just the once. It eased my ire terrifically.

~ Merrie Haskell

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

~ Mingmei Yip

You tell your brother he's gonna pay for that car in silver.

~ Neal Shusterman

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

~ Tara Janzen

Liza took her time sipping her tea. “That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

~ Gwenn Wright

My brain fizzles. The 'this is your brain on drugs' warning, should also issue a 'this is your brain when Jackson Reid looks at you like that,' warning.

~ Ashley Jade

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

~ Starley Ard

K, boys, it’s shirts against skins. Lose ‘em,” Lucy said, pointing to the guys and ignoring Thad.“I beg your pardon?” Thad said, aghast.“Why do we have to be skins?” Josh complained.Lucy looked at Erin and they both shrugged and grabbed the hems of their shirts, preparing to haul them over their heads.“Whoa!” Sable said, covering his eyes immediately.“Wait,” Josh, Angelo, and Thad said at the same time.“Hell, yeah,” Blaze chimed in.The girls stopped right before they fully exposed their chest. “What? You guys act like none of you have ever seen a pair of boobs in a bra before. Josh saw mine a few hours ago and I know, for a fact, that three of you have seen hers outside the bra.” Lucy looked pointedly at Thad, Blaze, and Angelo.Erin’s head snapped in Josh’s direction. “JOSH!” she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity.

~ Christine James

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

~ David Levithan

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

~ Criss Jami

He slammed the door shut in Ian's face, the lock clicking into place. Ian hit it again with his fist before roaring, “If I were a pervert, I'd be looking for something a damn bit more attractive than you, jackass. And definitely someone that smelled alive.

~ Rose Wynters

You have terminated me,” one of them said in a strange, flat voice. “But Iam one of many.”“Robots!” Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.“One of many, one of many, one of many,” the robot Eraser was saying. NowNudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.“Good!” spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. “Because we like to blow stuff up,blow stuff up, blow stuff up!

~ James Patterson