Funny Quotes

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

~ Jay Asher

The door opens with a rusted jingle, and an animatronic Santa insults my moral virtue three times. Ho, ho, ho.

~ Kiersten White

Jeff- A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?Walter- Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.

~ Jeff Dunham

What the hell?” Ian asked, holding his hands over the front of his Christmas briefs. Sara had ordered them from the Internet, and he'd worn them to please her. Too bad there hadn't been enough time for the underwear to meet with an unfortunate accident. A lot could be blamed on a washing machine.

~ Rose Wynters

I’m sure I look a wreck. But he’s the one who wrecked me so he may as well take a good long look at what he’s done.

~ Monica Murphy

There are so many people out there that will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say Watch me!

~ Ashley Purdy

The bastards had done their job well.

~ Stephen Charles Gould

What you don’t even realize now—what you will only come to understand in time, but lucky for you, I’m here to tell you—is you’re not going to give two shits about this band in a few years. In fact, I guarantee that this group that you admire so much and that you are putting all of your love and dedication and devotion into will be nothing more than an obsession you will be immensely embarrassed of having had. One day you’ll be in college, maybe you’ll be at a party, and someone will say, ‘Hey, do you remember The Ruperts? How shitty was their music?’ and you will have a moment of crisis: Do you admit your former love for them, or do you concede, because you know in your heart that this person is right? And guess what you’ll say? You’ll say, ‘Yeah, their music was utter. Putrid.Garbage.

~ Goldy Moldavsky

Sim sighed. like Ross always said: Wish in one hand,shit in the other,and see which hand fills up first.

~ Keith Gray

I wasn’t afraid of your average dark alley. I had standard Agency-issue spells in my coat and a nine millimeter in my purse for dealing with the less dangerous pests, but even I knew you have to be careful with an upset woman.

~ J.c. Nelson

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

~ Shannon L. Alder

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T.

~ Amy Hill Hearth

She'd been pounding her location and thoughts into a device that would send those things to virtually any human with Internet access and yet looking over her shoulder had been a violation of privacy.

~ Stefan Bourque

You know how some people get sun-kissed, well i got sun bitch slapped

~ Ryan Oliveira

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

~ Val Edward Simone

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

~ Katelyn Lillis

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you’re attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

~ Colin Nissan

I got my heart checked, report says it's perfectly normal, there is no trace of love in it

~ Rushabh Patel

Love is a damagemade to the heart,violence,fate thats written,Changeable by distance,Breakable by time...!

~ Honey Father

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

~ L S May

Some people would say it's a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine hours straight. The one time I tried, Smudge had expressed his displeasure by burning through the screen that covered his tank, burrowing into my laundry basket, and setting two weeks' worth of clothes ablaze.

~ Jim C. Hines

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?

~ Sherwood Smith

Today 5:14 p.m.Mrrrrrowl. Mrrrrrowl.Ow! Ow, stupid cat! Ahem. You told me, 'stop calling, Isabelle,' but I'm not the one calling you. Church is calling you. Mine are merely the fingers that work the phone.See, here's something you may not have known before you committed your recent rash acts. Our cat, Church, and your cat, Chairman Meow? They're in love. I've never seen such love before. I never knew such love could exist in the heart of a... cat. Some people say that love between two dude cats is wrong, but I think it's beautiful. Love makes Church happier than I've ever seen him. Nothing makes him happy like Chairman Meow. Not tuna. Not shredding centuries-old tapestries. Nothing. Please don't keep these cats apart. Please don't take the joy of love away from Church.Look, this is really just a warning for your own good. If you keep Church and Chairman Meow apart, Church will start to get angry.You wouldn't like Church when he's angry.Beep

~ Cassandra Clare

And the Lady's mate. Despite having only two legs and small fangs, there was much that was feline in that one, and he approved.

~ Anne Bishop

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

~ M.j. Mcguire

I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

~ M.j. Mcguire

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

~ Diane Messidoro

You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favor. It's sort of funny, in a way.

~ J.d. Salinger

You can call me Grandpa, if that does it for you.

~ R.k. Lilley

You seem to be holding up rather well under the burden of the world's troubles. How do you do it?

~ Juliann Whicker

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

~ Amy Sommers

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.

~ Amy Sommers

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

~ Saurabh Sharma

Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby. She would have been ashamed to look her family in the face next morning, had she not risen from her bed in more need of repose than when she lay down in it.

~ Jane Austen

You fellows are amazing,' the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. 'Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

~ Rohinton Mistry

An old man with overalls walked by, I don't think old people should wear overalls, it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

~ Aimee Bender

Why write about the past? Well, there's more of it.

~ John Cleese

There are so many other fun ways to dishonor the family name that buying girls’ underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

~ Rin Chupeco

The police have no leads as yet on the person or persons who painted obscene suggestions on the buildings. One store owner said he was going to leave a dictionary on a public bench so the vandals could at least spell the obscenities correctly.

~ Anne Bishop