Humor Quotes

The true reader reads every work seriously in the sense that he reads it whole-heartedly, makes himself as receptive as he can. But for that very reason he cannot possibly read every work solemly or gravely. For he will read 'in the same spirit that the author writ.'... He will never commit the error of trying to munch whipped cream as if it were venison.

~ C.s. Lewis

They were perfectly suited. They would speak of books the livelong day and night and bore everyone else but themselves to distraction.

~ Loretta Chase

When a book and a head collide and a hollow sound is heard, must it always have come from the book?

~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Over there! Where? Enna asked in mock panic Do you see something?

~ Shannon Hale

The spirits of the brain are directly connected to the testicles. This is why men who weary their imagination in books are less suitable for procreative functions...

~ Louis De La Forge

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, 'To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

~ Maryrose Wood

Yes, we'll have to put a stop to this bookworming. No future in that.

~ Molly Keane

I put the books I was returning on the appropriate desk, and I began looking at the shelves of new arrivals. Most of them were some permutation on self-help. Going by how popular these books were and how often they were checked out, everyone in Bon Temps should have become perfect by now.

~ Charlaine Harris

One act presses upon another, on a path we have no choice but to follow, and each time there are reasons. We do what we must, we do what we are told, we do what is easiest. What else can we do but solve one sordid problem at a time? Then we look up and find... this.

~ Joe Abercrombie

That's my point: if you own thirty or more books, or you are reading any book at this moment, you may protest all you want, but you were born on the wrong continent.

~ Thomas Geoghegan

His books commingled democratically, united under the all-inclusive flag of Literature. Some were vertical, some horizontal, and some actually placed behind others. Mine were balkanized by nationality and subject matter.

~ Anne Fadiman

In 1800s Paris, women were prohibited from studying the nude human form, because this would've ruined the wedding-night surprise. (Surprise! It's a penis.)

~ Cracked.com

They were steaming out of the station before Maia asked, 'Was it books in the trunk?''It was books, admitted Miss Minton.And Maia said, 'Good.

~ Eva Ibbotson

In a book, even the real bastards can't hurt you. And you can never loose a friend you make in a book. When you get to a sad part, no one's there to see you cry. Or wonder why you don't cry when you should.

~ Dean Koontz

I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.” --Alison Bechdel

~ Leah Price

Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.

~ Cecil B. Demille

The story was so thoroughly believed that a Springfield, Massachusetts, missionary society resolved to send missionaries to the moon to convert and civilize the bat-men, apparently unaware that bat-men have lost all faith since they saw their parents gunned down in that alleyway.

~ Cracked.com

Chicken Soup for the Soul. You've heard of these books, am I right? We've all heard of them. But I wonder if you're aware of just how many Chicken Soup books exist on the planet. No offense, but I doubt it. I doubt it because in the time it would take you to come up with a number, the number would have become obsolete. Even as you read this, in some quiet, fecund place, another Chicken Soup book is being born.

~ Marisa De Los Santos

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

~ Ryan Lilly

Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'Customer's friend: 'Jesus.

~ Jen Campbell

Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in, you can't expect an angel to look out.

~ B.c. Forbes

It's time for bed. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get in bed, and I don't have anyone to sleep with now, so what I do is I sleep with my books. And I know that's kind of weird and solitary and pathetic. But if you think about it, it's very cozy. Over a period of four, five, six, seven, nine, twenty nights of sleeping, you've taken all these books to bed with you, and you fall asleep, and the books are there.***Some of the books are thick, and some are thin, some of the books are in hardcover and some in paperback. Sometimes they get rolled up with the pillows and the blankets. And I never make the bed. So it's like a stew of books. The bed is the liquid medium. It's a Campbell's Chunky Soup of books. The bed you eat with a fork.

~ Nicholson Baker

Mad! Quite mad!' said Stalky to the visitors, as one exhibiting strange beasts. 'Beetle reads an ass called Brownin', and M'Turk reads an ass called Ruskin; and-' 'Ruskin isn't an ass,' said M'Turk. 'He's almost as good as the Opium-Eater. He says we're children of noble races, trained by surrounding art. That means me, and the way I decorated the study when you two badgers would have stuck up brackets and Christmas cards. Child of a noble race, trained by surrounding art, stop reading or I'll shove a pilchard down your neck!

~ Rudyard Kipling

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

~ Edward Medina

I've received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, You should lay off the f-bombs. The other is, You should add more f-bombs.

~ Lincoln Park

When the corpses of [Sir John] Franklin's officers and crew were later discovered, miles from their ships, the men were found to have left behind their guns but to have lugged such essentials as monogrammed silver cutlery, a backgammon board, a cigar case, a clothes brush, a tin of button polish, and a copy of The Vicar of Wakefield. These men may have been incompetent bunglers, but, by God, they were gentlemen.

~ Anne Fadiman

They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn’t really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment.

~ Gideon Defoe

Even so-called 'short novels' are pretty long and can take several hours to read, so make sure you stay hydrated. I like to keep an isotonic sports drink handy if I'm going to be reading for any longer than forty minutes. I'll also take regular breaks and make sure I'm wearing loose-fitting clothing.

~ Richard Ayoade

I did not tell Fat this, but technically he had become a Buddha. It did not seem to me like a good idea to let him know. After all, if you are a Buddha you should be able to figure it out for yourself.

~ Philip K. Dick

I'd rather be single, happy, and lonely sometimes than married, lonely, and happy sometimes.

~ Mark Fiore

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief in god, the chain of events leading from silent awareness to physical reality remains intact.

~ Deepak Chopra

He who knows all the answers, but none of the questions is like a large gobbling bird on Thanksgiving.

~ Jayce O'neal

I’m a dot in the grand scheme of things. I don’t matter, not even to the other dots.

~ Ash Gray

Totalitarian systems are notably devoid of humor at every level. Laughter, which brings acceptance and freedom, is a threat to their rule through force and intimidation. It is hard to oppress people who have a good sense of humor. Beware the humorless, whether in a person, institution, or belief system; it is always accompanied by an impulse to control and dominate, even if its proclaimed objective is to create prosperity or peace.

~ David R. Hawkins

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

~ Bashar

I'm man enough to know when to scream.

~ Obert Skye

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times.

~ Steve Goodier

You know that thing about Death Be Not Proud? Well, Fear Be Not Proud either. And Fear Be Not Elegant. What Fear be is stumbling, bumbling flight, crashing through brush, slip-sliding on pine needles, sloshing through puddles that are always deeper than you expect.

~ Josh Lanyon