Humor Quotes

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

~ Howard Nemerov

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

~ Robert Benchley

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

~ Eoin Colfer

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

~ Douglas Adams

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

~ Cassandra Clare

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.

~ Oscar Wilde

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

~ H.l. Mencken

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

~ John Green

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

~ Oscar Wilde

It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

~ Rick Riordan

Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

~ Jim Butcher

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

~ Flannery O'connor

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored

~ Cassandra Clare

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

~ Sylvia Plath

French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.

~ Stephanie Perkins

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

~ Suzanne Collins

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

~ John Green

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

~ Stephenie Meyer

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

~ Christopher Paolini

It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.

~ Cassandra Clare

So what? All writers are lunatics!

~ Cornelia Funke

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

~ George Carlin

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

~ Woody Allen

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

~ Groucho Marx

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.

~ George Carlin

For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.

~ J.k. Rowling

Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you...Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life? said Harry sarcastically.

~ J.k. Rowling

Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection. He paused to reconsider that. Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try. (Adrian)

~ Richelle Mead

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

~ Carolyn G. Heilbrun

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

~ Dr. Seuss

She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

~ Rick Riordan

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.

~ Stephen King

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

~ Mark Twain

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

~ Brandon Sanderson

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.

~ Steven Moffat

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.

~ Lady Gaga

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

~ Garrison Keillor

We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

~ J.k. Rowling

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

~ Cassandra Clare