Humor Quotes

Most if not all sexually active people do not really love having sex, they merely love experiencing an orgasm every now and then.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The primary goal of a righteous parent who has a daughter is to minimize the number of boys and men for whom their daughter will have willingly opened her legs come her wedding day; the closer to zero, the more righteous they will seem.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are so sexually unattractive that the thought of masturbating turns them off.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear. I jumped over a slashing frond of plasm, spun round with the water bottle in my hand. I hurled it across to Lockwood. George threw his rapier to me.Watch this now. Sword and bottle, sailing through the air, twin trajectories, arching beautifully through the mass of swirling tendrils towards Lockwood and me. Lockwood held out his hand. I held out mine.Remember I said there was that moment of sweet precision when we gelled perfectly as a team?Yeah, well. This wasn't it.The rapier shot past, missing me by miles. It skidded halfway across the floor. The bottle struck Lockwood plumb in the centre of his forehead, knocking him through the window.There was a moment's pause.'Is he dead?' the skulls voice said 'Yay! Oh. No, he's hanging onto the shutters. Shame. Still, this is defiantly the funniest thing I've ever seen. You three really are incompetence on a stick

~ Jonathan Stroud

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking

~ Stephen Fry

Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. They stand four-square for the American home--but not for housing. They are strong for labor--but they are stronger for restricting labor's rights. They favor minimum wage--the smaller the minimum wage the better. They endorse educational opportunity for all--but they won't spend money for teachers or for schools. They think modern medical care and hospitals are fine--for people who can afford them. They consider electrical power a great blessing--but only when the private power companies get their rake-off. They think American standard of living is a fine thing--so long as it doesn't spread to all the people. And they admire of Government of the United States so much that they would like to buy it.

~ Harry Truman

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

~ Stephen Colbert

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

~ Taylor Caldwell

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers.

~ Ann Coulter

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a middle-of-the-road moderate and the rest of you are crazy.

~ Ann Coulter

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

~ Will Rogers

I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease. Never speed up to hit a pedestrian or, or course, stop to kick a pedestrian who has already been hit. From which it followed, of course, that one would never ever -- on pain of deletion from dozens of Christmas card lists across the country -- vote Republican.

~ Barbara Ehrenreich

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

~ Jon Stewart

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.

~ Bill Maher

It's all very well to put the government in the hands of the perfect man, but what do you do when the perfect man gets a bellyache?

~ David Eddings

And he gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.

~ Jonathan Swift

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

~ George Carlin

Just because I like to suck cock doesn't make me any less American than Jesse Helms.

~ Allen Ginsberg

I'm back... and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign 'The Mummy Returns'.

~ Margaret Thatcher

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.

~ Graydon Carter

As the saying goes: God made man and woman, Colonel Colt made them equal.

~ Ann Coulter

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children, and some of your more discerning domesticated animals. But not... to Bill O

~ Keith Olbermann

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

~ Ann Coulter

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

~ George Carlin

Politics is the Art of Controlling Your Enviroment.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

...she studied his clothes, his top hat. “And you’ve just come from Parliament? How are you finding that?”“It’s much like piracy. You tell your enemies that if they don’t fall in line, you’ll leave them to die.

~ Meljean Brook

I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby.

~ Barack Obama

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

~ Winston S. Churchill

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

~ P.j. O'rourke

Many years ago I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of America becoming humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power corrupts us absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...

~ P.j. O'rourke

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger