Humor Quotes

Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.

~ Rick Riordan

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.

~ Terry Pratchett

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

~ Bill Hicks

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

~ George Carlin

Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.

~ Erin Hunter

Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

~ Rachel Cohn

May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

~ Aleister Crowley

Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

~ Mike Royko

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

~ Ilona Andrews

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, You named your breasts?I turned my back to him with a shrug. I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.

~ Darynda Jones

Well? Is it true? Did she?Did she what?You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?

~ Kami Garcia

Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.

~ Kiersten White

No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.

~ Sara Shepard

Now what state do you live in?''Denial.

~ Bill Watterson

Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.” ~ Liberty Jones

~ Lisa Kleypas

So far Kat has been through all the Wa's she could think of, but Hale hadn't admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He'd firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn't even tried.Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W's stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.

~ Ally Carter

I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

~ Mark Twain

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

~ Ellen Degeneres

See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.

~ Jeaniene Frost

I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books.

~ Rachel Hawkins

Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall.The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.

~ Richelle Mead

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?

~ Helen Fielding

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

~ Dave Barry

Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way.

~ Holly Black

No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.

~ George S. Patton Jr.

True storyThis morning I jumped on my horseAnd went for a ride,And some wild outlaws chased meAnd shot me in the side.So I crawled into a wildcats caveTo find a place to hideBut some pirates found me sleeping thereAnd soon they had me tiedTo a pole and built a fireUnder me---I almost criedTill a mermaid came and cut me looseAnd begged to be my brideSo I said id come back WednesdayBut I must admit I lied.Then I ran into a jungle swampBut I forgot my guide And I stepped into some quicksandAnd no matter how hard I triedI couldn’t get out, until I metA watersnake named ClydeWho pulled me to some cannibalsWho planned to have me friedBut an eagle came and swooped me upAnd through the air we fliedBut he dropped me in a boiling lakeA thousand miles wideAnd you’ll never guess what I did then---I DIED

~ Shel Silverstein

She craved a tall glass of the fresh-squeezed lemonade from the pitcher she’d left chilling in the fridge. Two glasses served with a generous slice of pound cake with orange glaze icing sounded twice as nice.

~ Ed Lynskey

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

~ Chelsea Handler

Dev-Come in peace or leave in pieces

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.

~ Susan Ee

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

~ Bill Watterson

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

~ Groucho Marx

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

~ Richard Pryor

My own business always bores me to death, I prefer other people's.

~ Oscar Wilde

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.]

~ Mark Twain

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

~ Tom Robbins