Humor Quotes

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.

~ Kim Harrison

The Princess Andromeda?Went ka-boom.

~ Rick Riordan

Har. Bloody. Har.

~ Stephanie Perkins

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

~ Dave Barry

A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.

~ Steven Pressfield

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

~ Fulton J. Sheen

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

~ Dorothy Parker

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard.

~ Jeaniene Frost

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

~ Terry Pratchett

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

~ Jessica Park

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street.

~ Neil Gaiman

There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

~ Carrie Fisher

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass. I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. And thirdly, don't call me Shorty.Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. Where did you get her? Can you get me one?I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. You should probably apologize to Emerson.I am sorry. Kaleb grinned at me. Sorry I didn't meet you first.

~ Myra Mcentire

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

~ Terry Pratchett

You okay?Fine.Your heart's beating really fast.Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it.He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.You sound like Shane.Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.Liar.

~ Rachel Caine

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

~ Morrissey

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.Define BETTER with that guy.Not all fangs and raaaaar.

~ Rachel Caine

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

~ George Carlin

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

~ Gail Carriger

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

~ David Levithan

Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.

~ Jean Cocteau

Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)

~ William Goldman

I stared at him (Dionysus). You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-

~ Rick Riordan

If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.

~ Kiersten White

We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.

~ Cassandra Clare

My parents are going to kill me!That seems rather harsh...

~ Garth Nix

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

~ Judy Blume

You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.

~ Jennifer Crusie

...[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American 'Labour Union' in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the gallant French, are burdened with a spirit of narrow-mindedness. Anybody who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without the feminine ferment. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly ones included).

~ Karl Marx

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

~ David Foster Wallace

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

~ Darynda Jones

What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.

~ Marian Keyes

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.Evvy and I have an understanding. She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.

~ Tamora Pierce

Peter to Austin:Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.

~ Dani Alexander

I like pink.Lucius sniffed. It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.

~ Beth Fantaskey

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

~ Darynda Jones

I have detected disturbances in the wash.''The wash?''The space-time wash.''Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?''Eddies in the space-time continuum.''Ah...is he. Is he.''What?''Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?

~ Douglas Adams

I wish we could make out in your bed.Noah sighed. As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct.It's always something.Isn't it though?

~ Michelle Hodkin

Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox.

~ Cassandra Clare

Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.

~ J.r. Ward