Humor Quotes

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.

~ Christopher Moore

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

~ Lisa Mantchev

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.

~ Richelle Mead

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot

~ Agatha Christie

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.

~ Patsy Clairmont

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.

~ Mark Twain

I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..

~ Taylor Swift

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

~ Dave Barry

You thought I was a werewolf? Dervish asks.Yes I answer hollowly.You ass.

~ Darren Shan

I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.

~ C.b. Cook

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.

~ Terry Pratchett

Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.

~ Rachel Caine

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

~ George Lucas

In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.

~ Jim Butcher

Elizabeth: Your balls, Mr. Darcy?Darcy: They belong to you, Miss Bennett.

~ Seth Grahame-Smith

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

~ Terry Pratchett

I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-''Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it.

~ Ally Carter

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

~ Eoin Colfer

I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Bluestar blinked. There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. Are you mouse-brained? he snarled. Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?

~ Erin Hunter

I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

~ Jasper Fforde

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

~ Morrissey

since i will not send this, i also feel it is my duty to inform you that almost six months on I think I still love you and that makes me sad becaue love shouldn’t feel this way. is like getting kicked in the stomach every time i think of you and it makes me want to roll my face across this keyboardbiu;///ubEWdcfhugiov’byhi;.//////-=‘-0i9juh8ygtfdcsaazs34defg7uefg7u8hi9o0p8hi9o0p-[[09ju8dcsaazs34d9o0p-[[09.

~ Jay Kristoff

You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

~ Ilona Andrews

Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.

~ Claudia Gray

Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.

~ Carolyn G. Heilbrun

For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.

~ Jess Rothenberg

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

~ Henry Kissinger

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog.COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED

~ Ernest Cline

I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

~ Steuart Henderson Britt

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

~ Erma Bombeck

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

~ Michael Grant

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

~ Moira Young

How are you feeling?I leaned away from him. Gross.Aiden frowned. Gross?I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me.He laughed. Alex, come on.Seriously, I'm gross. I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. You're as beautiful as always, Alex.I stared at him. He must not get out much.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout