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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

~ Shel Silverstein

Shel Silverstein Humor Life Poem

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

~ Seán O'casey

Seán O'casey Destiny Drama Fate Humanity Humankind Humor Life Stage Theater World

There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.

~ John Green

John Green Cancer Humor Life

When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.

~ Masashi Kishimoto

Masashi Kishimoto Anime Best Naruto Qoute Best Qoute Childeren History Humor Konoha Life Manga Naruto Naruto Shippuden Philosophy Qoutes Shinobi Sience

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.

~ Robert E. Howard

Robert E. Howard Humor Life Politics Society

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

~ Drew Carey

Drew Carey Drinking Humor Jobs Life

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

~ Charles Addams

Charles Addams Humor Life Morticia Addams

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Humor Life Too Hip For The Room

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?

~ Shannon L. Alder

Shannon L. Alder Adversity Anger Battles Boyfriends Breakups Choices Confusion Crazy Love Crush Dating Disease Divorce Exboyfriends Exgirlfriends Exspouse Feelings Funny Hatred Humor In Love Insane Insane Love Insanity Lack Of Communication Life Mad Love Marriage Mixed Signals Obsessive Love Partners Relationships Romance Spouse Struggles Stupid Men Stupid Women Unfinished Business Unrequited Love

A joke is a very serious thing.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Winston S. Churchill Humor Life

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Ellen Degeneres Balance Funny Humor Life

It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can't be bothered to go on living - but then you're expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops.And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work.

~ Marian Keyes

Marian Keyes Death Humor Life Suicide Work

I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

~ Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking Computer Viruses Computers Creation Humor Life

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.

~ Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln Attractiveness Beauty Humor Life People

Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.

~ Jason Mraz

Jason Mraz Adventure Art Humor Life

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

~ Ellen Goodman

Ellen Goodman Humor Life Materialism Society Truth

Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Ford Prefect H2G2 Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy Humor Life

Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that's how people grow up.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Life Lyrics Music

I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.

~ C. Joybell C.

C. Joybell C. Human Nature Humanism Humor Humor Fear Inspiration Inspirational Inspirational Life Inspirational Quotes Inspiring Life Life And Living Living Loving Life Lust Lust For Life Lustful Lusty Passion Passion For Life Passion For Living Passionate Living Passions

I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dark Jar Tin Zoo Dreaming Dreams Funny Humor Life Relationships Sleep Sleeping Word Junkies

YOU FEAR TO DIE?It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break...

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Death Fear Habit Humor Life

I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.

~ Dora J. Arod

Dora J. Arod Dreaming Dreams Funny Humor Life Relationships Sleep Sleeping Word Junkies

Exactly! said Deep Thought. So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Answer Humor Life Meaning Question

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

~ Eric Idle

Eric Idle Comedy Humor Life Wisdom

Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.

~ Søren Kierkegaard

Søren Kierkegaard Humor Life Regret

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.

~ Jim Henson

Jim Henson Henson Hope Humor Inspirational Life

Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life to save mine, but I don't even know what your favorite color is?

~ Suzanne Collins

Suzanne Collins Color Humor Life

I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.

~ Phil Lester

Phil Lester Birth Embarrassment Humor Life Silly Truthfulness Weirdness

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

~ Reba Mcentire

Reba Mcentire Humor Life Success

That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

~ Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts Humor Life Wisdom

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Life Lyrics Music

My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.

~ Cary Grant

Cary Grant Humor Life

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

~ Betty White

Betty White Humor Life

Don't leave it all unsaid,somewhere in the wasteland of your head.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Life Lyrics Music

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

~ Michael Summers

Michael Summers Dreaming Dreams Funny Humor Life Relationships Sleep Sleeping

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Education Humor Life Philosphy Truth

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

~ Scott Adams

Scott Adams Food Humor Life

Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us.

~ Paul Murray

Paul Murray Grace Humiliation Humor Life

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

~ Tonya Hurley

Tonya Hurley Humor Life

I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat.

~ Brian Andreas

Brian Andreas Humor Life Story People
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