Humorous Quotes

But you will win a fabulous honor! Nike reached into a basket at her side and produced a wreath of thick green laurels. This crown of leaves could be yours! You can wear it on your head! Think of the glory!

~ Rick Riordan

The reefer butt is called a 'roach' because it resembles a cockroach… cockroach… cockroach…

~ Hunter S. Thompson

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two.

~ Mark Twain

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour. Finbar rolled his eyes. And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

~ Derek Landy

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

~ G.g. Silverman

The forest, like a casino, always wins. That's why you should never gamble, or enter the forest. And above all, never underestimate Schmidty.

~ Gitty Daneshvari

A vine from one tree shot out, tripping Blaise. He and Merewyn rolled to the ground. Varian stood between them and the trees, which shot blast after blast at him. He deflected them, but even so the heat from the fire was scorching. 'Go, Blaise,' he said. 'Get Merewyn out of here.'Blaise nodded before he crawled to Merewyn under the barrage.'Hold!'The blast stopped as the three of them froze into place.Again the woman appeared in the fire to stare at them maliciously. 'What is it you do?''I'm crawling,' Blaise answered.

~ Kinley Macgregor

Do you mind? Just drape your arm around her shoulder. That's it. Yes this is good, Mr.Henshaw. Getting your picture taken with Daphne is a great way to introduce you to our set. Welcome to Santa Lucia!

~ Barbara Jean Coast

There comes a time in every woman's life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

~ Solange Nicole

Howie: What if the whole thing was just an accident?Jazz: And what? Accidentally cut off three fingers postmortem? 'Oops, oh no, my girlfriend just died! Clumsy me, in trying to perform CPR, I chopped off some fingers! Guess I'll take them with me…Oh, darn, where did that middle finger go?

~ Barry Lyga

The greatest stories are simple, but well told.

~ Tova Dian Dean

The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very good. Then again, it was bacon. It was always good.

~ Ella Minster

You are all wave particles when I close my eyes. I am no more entranced by your entanglement than a butterfly is to a bee.

~ Solange Nicole

Dude, you know I'm not getting paid for this shit, which is probably against the law. Child labor going on right here in the heartland of America!-Dan Garrett

~ Leah Rae Miller

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

We’re animals, primates to be precise,” I pointed out. “Games are role playing from our hunter gatherer days.”“That's nothing to be proud of,” he said, in a fair imitation of Papa's manner.

~ Ritu Lalit

Its decision to suck up an extra helping of toddler soup would cost it dearly.

~ Allen Dusk

You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.

~ Becky Lewellen Povich

If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

Now, invite me in, before I lose my temperature.’‘Temper, you mean.’‘No, temperature. It’s getting chilly.

~ Steven Erikson

Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.

~ Gerald Durrell

People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.

~ Julia Kent

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

~ J.c. Nelson

If you’ve never been in a men’s room, and have only set foot in the ladies’ room at most fine (and not so fine) establishments, you need to know this: store owners hate men. No, really—this is the one area where women get treated better. We may earn seventy-seven cents on the dollar compared to men, but, by God, our public bathrooms don’t look like something out of a Soviet-era prison. Or worse—a Sochi hotel during the Olympics.

~ Julia Kent

Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.

~ Jim Butcher

Once she even successfully argued on behalf of my older brother, Dan, getting a BBGun, a weapon which he promptly turned against his younger siblings, outfitting us in helmet and leather jacket and instructing us to run across Eaton Park while he practiced his marksmanship. Today he is a colonel in the army and the rest of us are gun-shy.

~ Thomas Lynch

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

~ Tanya Masse

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.

~ Sophie Kinsella

The door opened, held by the butler, and Lord Montagu swept into the room, his presence overwhelming the space. She could swear even the flowers in their vases perked up and listed in his direction. Honest to Pete.

~ Angela Quarles

Go on, you've claimed your thirty pieces of silver, go do something crazy like put gas in that penis replacement you call transportation.

~ Molly Harper

. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.

~ Danielle Monsch

She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock.

~ Gerald Durrell

Well, thank the gods,' he sighed.'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned.'For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I'm complaining, you understand, but this business of following you cross-country without the faintest idea where I am can worry a man.

~ David Weber

If I had echolocation I could map out the terrain of ab muscles through sheer force of will. His cut body is meant to be relief mapped the way Braille is meant to be read. With my fingertips.

~ Julia Kent

Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don't they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into a snowdrift?

~ Elizabeth Anglin

Having our old Gran in the car was like having a cranky 'Tassie Tiger' sitting in the back. You never knew when she might jump forward and bite you on the back of your neck.

~ Elizabeth M. Thompson

Ah, spite, the stuff of fairy tales.

~ Molly Harper

Josh is the company tech expert, which means we all think he’s a little bit shaman, a little bit magician, and mostly a nerd.

~ Julia Kent

Did we really come all that way? She asked. Time flies when you're scared out of your mind. He answered.

~ Nights Raven