Humour Quotes

The male tax?”“Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up with all that stuff, so the least we men can do is pay the male tax and get the tab.

~ Zack Love

I got it! I got it!” Heeb declared triumphantly. Evan stopped in the middle of his kitchenette to hear Heeb’s idea. “Sex in the Title.”“Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying I need.”“No, that’s the title: ‘Sex in the Title.’”“You want me to call my novel ‘Sex in the Title?’”“Yeah. Isn’t it great?

~ Zack Love

Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep.She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you.That's what it feel like, I say.She stop laughing.

~ Alice Walker

I catch sight of Janice. Her eyes are so full of excitement that I half expect her to jump up and down. This is something she'll never forget, I tell myself. As an old lady with all the spirit knocked out of her and nobody believe in she'll remember a happy day in July when a horny young guy strutted his stuff and made her heart beat fast.

~ Eric Bishop-Potter

I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows’ toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next season on a railway line!

~ Initially No

is it a big ass firm or a big firm ass?

~ Musa Nganga

Sometimes you don’t even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double.

~ Sara Sheridan

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. And what about your partner, Mr. Tucker? Troy asked. Chris raised his eyebrows in surprise and Mr. Waters gave him a greasy, unpleasant smile. Does your partner cook?Chris grinned as Matt came all over the red leather seat. Actually, he makes a delicious white sauce.

~ Ally Blue

When I was done raking and bagging, I banged on the door and demanded entry /...let me in by the hair on your chinny, chin-chin/ (a fairytale moment there) Dick opened it and in his posthest voice, said that before he could possibly consider letting me re-cross the threshold he needed to ask me whether I was a good f*cking fairy or a bad f*cking fairy? Grinning, I told him that I was very wicked fairy and if he had a wand about his person that I could have lend of, I would prove it. He said that was the right answer and promptly yanked me inside where he located and presented me with his wand, breathily ordering the sorcerer's apprentice to perform magic with it. Judging by the look on his face afterwards, I knew I'd impressed him with my oral sorcery and I was more than happy with the short-lifting sorcery Shane performed on me as the same time.

~ Gillibran Brown

Has something happened to upset you today?”“Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else's attachment and it wasn't fair.

~ Gillibran Brown

The meaning of sex is illustrated by two eponymous heroes of British history, King Edward VII (who flourished in the years before the First World War) and the King Edward variety of potato which has fed the British working class for almost as long). The potato, unlike the royal family, reproduces asexually. Every King Edward potato is identical to every other and each on has the same set of genes as the hoary ancestor of all potatoes bearing that name. This is convenient for the farmer and the grocer, which is why sex is not encouraged among potatoes.

~ Steve Jones

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

~ Anna Bayes

The second orgasm has a biblical connotation.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Well, that explains why we jumped into bed with each other so quickly. We were both hornier than a bucket of desert toads.

~ Olivia Cunning

It’s the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now, they will say we, with our permissive society and rude jokes, are obsessed. No. We have a healthy attitude. We like it, it’s fun, it’s jolly; because it’s a primary impulse it can be dangerous and dark and difficult. It’s a bit like food in that respect, only even more exciting. The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese, and that in erotic terms is the Catholic Church in a nutshell.

~ Stephen Fry

The sun doesn’t live in England, it comes here on holiday when we’re all at work.

~ Benny Bellamacina

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

~ Benny Bellamacina

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

~ Amit Kalantri

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

~ Leah Broadby

We were young, she continued, while she had a bad heart. Did we not want to earn our tips, she asked us and, cowed, we refrained from introducing the subject again.Her bad heart, I noticed, did not force her to abstain from smoking, or from eating large portions of puddings. Every time I heard her opening how she could not carry anything heavy, I thought sourly except yourself.

~ Toni Maguire

I’m glad to be eating the bread of freedom even if it does taste like sponge buttered with greasy salt.

~ Diane Samuels

Could I speak to you for a moment, madam?' said Nannie to Agnes.It was at moments of crisis like this that Mary chiefly envied her Aunt Agnes's imperturbable disposition. Most mothers feel a hideous sinking at the heart when these fatal words are pronounced, but Agnes only showed a kindly and inactive interest.In anyone else Mary might have suspected unusual powers of bluff, hiding trembling knees, a feeling of helpless nausea, flashes of light behind the eyes, storm in the brain, and a general desire to say 'Take double your present wages, but don't tell me what it is you want to speak to me about.' But Agnes, placidly confident in the perfection of her own family and the unassailable security of her own existence, was only capable of feeling a mild curiosity and barely capable of showing it.

~ Angela Thirkell

Teaching kids is like a 5 year old box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be good.

~ Zany Madcap

This shows you that even mistakes are sometimes valuable, so do not be hard on grown-up people if they are wrong sometimes.

~ E. Nesbit

What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, ungifted children when you have them?''Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you think we'd do, burn them on a pyre?''Forget I asked

~ Scott Lynch

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

~ Sherley Mondesir-Prescott

Sam, Sam, quite contrary,bought a budgie,wanted a canary.Sam, Sam, quite contrary, kissed Suzannah,meant to kiss Marry.Sam, Sam, quite contrary,dressed as a pirate,playing a fairy.Sam Sam quite contrary,ate dark chocolate,says he likes diary.Sam, Sam, quite contarary,shaved his head,to make it hairy.

~ Chrissie Gittins

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

~ Mark Jackman

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

~ Mark Jackman

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.

~ Mark Jackman

Life is the courier of the universal brilliance. Elysse

~ Elysse Poetis

To write you dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams.

~ Rob Shepherd

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams

~ Rob Shepherd

Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.

~ Terry Pratchett

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

~ Tara Ford

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

~ Erica Sehyun Song

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

~ Nikhil Sharda

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

~ Katie Mcgarry