Sarcasm Quotes

It is a futile and ridiculous struggle—but then... it is human nature, I suppose, to be futile and ridiculous.

~ Rafael Sabatini

Facts are much more malleable than prejudices.

~ Theodore Dalrymple

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

~ Margaret Atwood

You are in good shape for a dead man.

~ Mario Stinger

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge. 

~ Karen Quan

A woman's weapon is her tongue.

~ Anthony Trollope

You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?

~ Rachel Caine

Optimism: That effervescent, blindingly- bright, perky, chipper, twittering quality you want to squash out of annoying people.

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

The Gay' is not infectious, the world is not coming to an end, and people are happy. Gosh, how about that.

~ Kelley York

At least that left hope for him. Except Beauty and the Geek wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

~ Kelly Moran

Using love as a bait and replacing respect with ego-pampering makes you a skillful social animal; unfortunately, all kinds of animals are less evolved than human beings. Would you like to evolve?

~ Saurabh Sharma

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. 'Smartphones' completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent devices I've seen yet. Oh the irony.

~ Ashly Lorenzana

. . . they would rather sneer at us and be smug, because we 'fail' to see what they are driving at. If indeed they are driving at anything--obscurity is usually the refuge of incompetence.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

~ Andrea Portes

You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you?If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be.

~ Jasper Fforde

Knives and candlelight,” he said, “how romantic.

~ Nenia Campbell

#NAME?

~ Non Know

Rest assured you make perfectly good nonsense.  I understand you one-hundred-percent not at all.

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Vampires were always either trying to kill me, or own me. God I hated being popular.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Because we don't really sparkle.

~ John G. Hartness

... And I wondered if we had disappointed God so much, that he wrote us off as pets, just alive to entertain.

~ Bethany Brookbank

...So we passed, handcuffed and in silence, through the streets of Washington, through the Captial of a nation, whose theory of government, we are told, rests on the foundation of man's inalienable right to life, LIBERTY, and the pursuit of happiness! Hail! Columbia, happy land, indeed!

~ Solomon Northup

If walls could talk - scratch that, if walls could make sarcastic comments... well, things would be interesting.

~ Meghan (Apriceno) Carr

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn't sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they'd stolen it from the Native Americans in the first place, I suppose they couldn't grumble. Once some debts had been wiped and estate agents had taken their commission, Napoleon's France ended up pocketing a little more than $8 million. Which is about how much it cost Pepsi Cola to secure the services of Britney Spears. Times have changed.

~ Dave Gorman

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

~ Sol Luckman

No more shooting from anyone. Or I am going to get seriously cranky with everyone. Suddenly, and violently and all over the place.

~ Simon R. Green

Having your own church doesn't make you a good guy. It only makes you tax-exempt.

~ Lisa Kleypas

I don’t get you people. You watch the Godfather on television and tons of people are getting shot and stabbed to death, blood splattering everywhere and it is entertaining. But, when they killed a horse, people were outraged.

~ Mario Stinger

..her smile, which was her pretty feature, was never so pretty as when her sprightly phrase had a scratch lurking in it.

~ Henry James

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh.

~ Aniruddha Sastikar

Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter.

~ Vann Chow

She tapped out a beat on the edge of the piano as I tripped and plummeted through the refrain of “Spacebar,” trying to translate the synth chords into a piano bit on the fly. It had been a million years since I’d played it.But it was still catchy.Whoever had written this song had known what they were doing.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

So does anyone have a good survival strategy, or is there no hope for getting out of this nightmare?’ asks the Colonel.‘We came up with a big, fat zero. I don’t know how we’re going to survive the blood hunt,’ says Dee.‘That wasn’t the nightmare I was referring to,’ says the Colonel. ‘Death by stupid comments is what I was talking about.

~ Susan Ee

What I find predictable is crazy people's ability to predict that unpredictable people can be predicted by their consistent unpredictable behavior, thus making all crazy people predictable when the world says they are unpredictable. Therefore, I must be “right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

~ Shannon L. Alder

The one plentiful herds of magazine writers would continue to be culled - by the Internet, by the recession, by the American public, who would rather watch TV or play video games or electronically inform friends that, like, 'rain sucks!' But there's no app for a bourbon buzz on a warm day in a cool, dark bar. The world will always want a drink.

~ Gillian Flynn

Lord Ironman, please play tonsil hockey with me, just this one time. There, does that make you happy?

~ Mercy Celeste

In the meantime, I’ll get a job. I’ll pay my own way.” “A job?” “Mmm, yeah. It’s that thing people do to make money.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Say this one time with me: Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?... Good. Now memorize it, because starting tomorrow, the only job that you're going to be able to get is selling SHOES!

~ George Huang

Don't worry about it, only worry about how people like her breed.

~ Gasmaskman

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

~ Nenia Campbell