Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
~ Robert Benchley
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
~ Thomas Hardy
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
~ Ron White
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
~ Demetri Martin
It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.
~ Danny Boyle
Some of the pictures I must say every now and then I just think are going to be funny. When it gets that much, you might as well just pull out all the stops and make it more of a burlesque.
~ Martin Mull
As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
~ Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It's a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.
~ Evan Davis
The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
~ Malin Akerman
If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.
~ Leo Howard
You know what's funny is, when I made 'Saw,' I got accused of being a fascist; when I made 'Insidious,' I got accused of being godless, and now I made the 'Conjuring' films, and I'm accused of being too much God.
~ James Wan
The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.
~ J.k. Rowling
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
~ H. Jackson Brown
When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
~ Esther Williams
You're unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.
~ Richard P. Feynman
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
~ Norman Douglas
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
~ Stephen King
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
~ Jerry Seinfeld
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.
~ Fanny Brice
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
~ Arthur Conan Doyle
You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.
~ Steve Irwin
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.
~ Hesiod
Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.
~ P. J. O'rourke
Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore.
~ Milo Yiannopoulos
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?
~ Ogden Nash
It's grueling never knowing if the audience is going to think you're funny. It's soul-destroying when they don't laugh.
~ Vince Vaughn
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
~ Fred Allen
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
~ H. L. Mencken
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
~ Lucille Ball
I never liked you, and I always will.
~ Samuel Goldwyn
You gotta keep the funny intact.
~ Seth Macfarlane
About 100 things that your kid will do that will surprise you and break your heart and it will be a combination of fact based therapy, medically advised kinds of passages accompanied by celebrity anecdotes and just some funny stuff to lighten the load.
~ Alan Thicke
When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.'
~ Susan Sarandon
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?
~ Andy Warhol
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
~ Lily Tomlin
A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally the straight man, and the laughs generally come on the reaction of the straight man to the funny thing the other person has done.
~ Richard Ayoade
You know, what's funny to one person is not at all to someone else.
~ Steve Carell
I always find it funny when I watch actors talking about, 'I chose to do this part.' A lot of times it's 'you're lucky to get the job.' We're like, 'Thank you so much.'
~ Lucy Punch
Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.'
~ Dylan Moran
You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.
~ Bob Newhart
