Famous Quotes

We are not going to die. Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. We're not? No. And do you know why? He shook his head. Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die. I hauled on the shirt even harder. And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.

~ Jim Butcher

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

~ Jon Stewart

It’s sarcasm, Josh.”“Sarcasm?”“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”“There you go, you got it.”“Got what?”“Sarcasm.”“No, I meant it.”“Sure you did.”“Is that sarcasm?”“Irony, I think.”“What’s the difference?”“I haven’t the slightest idea.”“So you’re being ironic now, right?”“No, I really don’t know.”“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”“Now you’ve got it.”“What?”“Sarcasm.

~ Christopher Moore

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

~ Bill Watterson

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

~ Greg Behrendt

He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.” “No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor. Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“ Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.

~ Cassandra Clare

Leo couldn't help smiling. That could be fun.Fun she said unhappily.Blue elephants.Blue elephants.Kiss me you fool.You fool.

~ Rick Riordan

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

~ George Carlin

I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

~ Roald Dahl

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

~ Carl Sagan

These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time. Faukman's eyes went wide. Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.I was referring to the Bible.Faukman cringed. I knew that.

~ Dan Brown

Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.

~ Jon Scieszka

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

~ Ally Carter

Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji? me?

~ Tahereh Mafi

No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

~ Ernest Cline

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

~ Arthur Schopenhauer

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

~ A.a. Milne

Hello, Minister! bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. Did I mention I'm resigning?

~ J.k. Rowling

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

~ Stephen Fry

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

~ Christopher Paolini

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

~ Neil Gaiman

Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.

~ Neal Stephenson

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'The mood will pass, sir.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

~ George Bernard Shaw

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

~ Dorothy Parker

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

~ Neil Gaiman

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.

~ Suzanne Wright

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

~ Veronica Roth

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

~ Bill Watterson

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.

~ J.k. Rowling

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

~ Geoff Johns

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

~ Kristin Cashore

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

~ Neil Gaiman

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

~ George Carlin

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

~ Douglas Adams

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.

~ Neil Gaiman