Funny Quotes

You've read half the books in this house? This whole house? Well, approximately half. Sticky said. To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like - his eyes went up as he calculated - three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths. Only three sevenths? said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. And here I was prepared to be impressed.

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

~ Eoin Colfer

Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.

~ Ilona Andrews

A snap of Rhys’s fingers, and my nightclothes—and some flimsy underthings—appeared on the bed. “I couldn’t decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from.” “Pig,” I barked

~ Sarah J. Maas

Legion hissed like a startled cat, the noise scraping at Reyes’s skin. “Me no boy. You think me a boy?”Everyone stopped, stared. Even Aeron.Reyes was the first to find his voice. “You’re a…girl?”A nod. “Me pretty.”“Yes, you are.” Reyes exchanged a glance with Lucien. “Beautiful.

~ Gena Showalter

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

~ Darynda Jones

If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away.

~ Seanan Mcguire

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means...Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I'm sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at you. You got one right. Now here's another, even tougher sentence for you to finish. Premarital sex is...Me: Nana! I'm so sorry Justin.Nana: Unlike Pops, I'm not moving on. Justin?Pops: His name is Jason.Justin:Uh....uh....Pops: While you think about that, why don't you tell me how you feel about drinking and driving?Justin: I'm totally against it, I swear!Nana: Methinks he protests too much.

~ Gena Showalter

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed--because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk

~ E. Lockhart

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did.

~ Charlaine Harris

Shh. I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming in.He grits his teeth against more shivers. Always knew I'd end up in your bed . . . and hear you say those words one day. He manages a smirk.Jeb snarls. Unbelievable. Even when he's at death's door he's a tool. He arranges a pillow beneath Morpheus's neck. Why don't you keep your mouth shut while we help you.Morpheus laughs weakly, his skin flashing with blue light. What say Alyssa--his breath rattles--give my mouth something else to do?

~ A.g. Howard

My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday?

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

What are you?” he demanded. “A slayer? I rolled my eyes. “The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?

~ Parker Blue

In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak.

~ Rachel Vincent

Hayden?Yes,Gia?Nothing I just wanted to say your name

~ Kasie West

I'm sure I look like a drowned cat.You look fine. The wet look works for you.I scowled. Now I know you're lying.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

~ Eoin Colfer

He said cool like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.

~ Cassandra Clare

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

~ George Carlin

I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy.

~ Dave Eggers

Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.

~ Isaac Marion

Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?

~ V.e. Schwab

Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.

~ Maria V. Snyder

He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.

~ Richelle Mead

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.

~ Mark Rosen

CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.

~ Ronda Thompson

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you? he asked.Huh? replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight.

~ John Flanagan

I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma.

~ Kami Garcia

He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?

~ Thea Harrison

America used to live by the motto Father Knows Best. Now we're lucky if Father Knows He Has Children. We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

~ Stephen Colbert

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

~ Kiersten White

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

~ Brett Tate

I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.

~ Jaye Wells

You bitch!Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?

~ Rachel Vincent

He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.That's it?He looked up. Sorry?Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.It's got a car alarm.Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?No. It's a pretty good car alarm.

~ Derek Landy

If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.David, I think you just made a joke.He frowned, utterly perplexed. Did I?

~ Leigh Bardugo

No,” he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. “No. No. There are dozens.”“Kell?” she asked, moving to touch his arm.He shook her off. “Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his.”“I’m sorry,” she shot back, bristling, “I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased.”“To be fair,” added Alucard, “I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat.”“Then why didn’t you?” snarled Kell, spinning on her. “You’re always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn’t you have stabbed him?

~ V.e. Schwab

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

~ Lewis Black