Funny Quotes

There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos.

~ Scott Douglas

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.

~ Douglas Adams

I'll get them out and come back. I promise.On your word as a cutthroat and a pirate?He touched my cheek once, briefly. Privateer.Another explosion rocked the grounds.Let's go! shouted Mal.As we sprinted into the tunnel, I glanced back and saw Nikolai silhouetted against the purple twilight. I wondered if I'd ever see him again.

~ Leigh Bardugo

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.

~ Stephen King

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.

~ John Green

You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.

~ Ned Vizzini

Hey, babe, can I sit here?” Elle turned her head and saw Nero standing there, holding a tray.　　Did he just really ask that, and did he just really call me ‘babe’?　　“Are you serious? Sit here?” Elle pointed to the chair beside her.　　“Yes, I was talking directly to you, wasn’t I?” Nero was definitely a smartass.　　“No, you clearly weren’t because my name isn’t ‘babe’. I bet you don’t even know my name. So, no, you cannot sit here, Nero.

~ Sarah Brianne

Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes?

~ A.j. Jacobs

pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!

~ John Green

what would you call this haircut?arthur.

~ George Harrison

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary

~ Simon Holt

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

~ Bill Maher

Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one? she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. What's the difference?A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit.

~ Erin Mccarthy

And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Hav

~ Patrick Ness

Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

In this world only the paranoid survive.

~ Dean Koontz

Caroline, do you value your neck?Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.

~ Julia Quinn

He thinks things through too much.

~ Stephenie Meyer

Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Will Rogers

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after I love you... or You're going to live... or It's a boy!

~ Demetri Martin

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

~ Lisa Kleypas

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

~ Gena Showalter

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.

~ Maureen Johnson

No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease.

~ Rachel Caine

I’m busy, you’re busy, everybody’s busy. I’ve got a lot I want to say to you, though.” “All right,” Pia told her. “Hit me with it.” “First, I’m so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we’re going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen, but before that happens let’s do lunch, okay?

~ Thea Harrison

All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of.

~ Stephen King

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

~ Dakota Cassidy

And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.

~ Simone Elkeles

Who are you and how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

~ Leslie Nielsen

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

~ John Green

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

~ Bauvard

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

~ Lisa Mcmann

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

~ William Shakespeare

Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.

~ Amy Tintera

Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified that she'd taken it upon herself to play head chef with the nearest thing Trenton High had to a Dark Lord.

~ Kelly Creagh

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

~ Bauvard

Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

~ Rick Riordan

When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he s

~ Kresley Cole

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri