Funny Quotes

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

~ #Name?

The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.

~ Sherry Thomas

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a hands-on damsel.

~ Jenny Trout

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.

~ James Dashner

I'd rather have rabies than be in love.Why?Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

~ Shelly Laurenston

He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!

~ Rick Riordan

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

~ Holly Hood

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

~ Johnny Carson

Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.

~ Rachel Caine

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?

~ Michael Buckley

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: I want a spiritual teacher.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

~ Simone Elkeles

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

~ Ron White

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

~ Tommy Cooper

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

~ Wallace Wang

The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife

~ Lisa Mcmann

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

~ Tommy Cooper

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering.

~ Karen Macinerney

With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here.Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her.That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?

~ Gina Damico

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

~ Bauvard

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.

~ Derek Landy

The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.”Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?”Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs.

~ Nalini Singh

you think you've never been wrong before?-alexsure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster- brittneyill bet-alex.havent you ever been wrong before?-brittany absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties- alexwhat a disaster- brittany

~ Simone Elkeles

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.Welcome! he said. Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!Thank you!He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly.Mad? said Percy airily. He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?

~ J.k. Rowling

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.

~ C.c. Hunter

I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.

~ Cynthia Hand

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.

~ Ilona Andrews

Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.

~ Gena Showalter

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

~ Steven Tyler

It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?

~ Meg Cabot

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

~ J.k. Rowling

Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?

~ Breanna Hayse

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?

~ Jennifer Rardin

Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.“Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor.

~ Michele Jaffe

Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers were making.

~ Kim Harrison

Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really want to live in it.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise..Do you wanna hear it again?N-no, you'll just hit me again!Kyo and Tohru

~ Natsuki Takaya

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock.

~ Junot Díaz