Funny Quotes

Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.

~ Charlie Higson

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

~ Doug Macleod

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

~ Judy Blume

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

~ Adam Gidwitz

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem.Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru [long silence from the other end of the phone]Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything.

~ Natsuki Takaya

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.They're for you.You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?

~ Holly Black

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.

~ Jay Mclean

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?Nope!Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.

~ Ilona Andrews

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.

~ J.d. Salinger

Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael

~ Nalini Singh

Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.

~ Rachel Caine

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

~ J.a. Saare

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.

~ Markus Zusak

(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.

~ Charlaine Harris

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

~ George Carlin

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.

~ John Madden

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

~ Rachel Hawkins

Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.

~ James Patterson

Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.

~ Tessa Dare

Haskell to QuinlinYou need anything, Quin, absolutely anything, you call me and I'll be there. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel. You say the word, and I'll be there with a spanking new shovel. Or holy water and an exorcism ritual. Whatever works.

~ I.d. Locke

you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

She sighed. Loudly. Physical appearance is not what is important.Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn't bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she's only running into the grocery store to get a quart of milk for her grandmother, and who does she see tending the 7-ITEMS-OR-LESS cash register but the guy of her dreams, except she can't even say hi—much less try to develop a meaningful relationship—since she looks like the poster child for the terminally geeky.

~ Vivian Vande Velde

Jason hated being an old man.

~ Rick Riordan

I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.''What kind of dogs?' I asked.He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.''Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.''Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Bug spray.” Mosquitoes never bother me, but apparently they eat Tucker alive if he forgets bug spray. So I wear it for solidarity. “All the kids wearit,” I explain to Mom. “They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.

~ Cynthia Hand

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

~ Sarah Mlynowski

She called me ‘my lady,’ ” she told him in a plaintive voice. “I don’t know who that is. I’m no lady.” The last of his fury faded away to be replaced with a quick gleam. He peered under the sheet. “I can attest to that.

~ Thea Harrison

He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. Oh thank you so much. That's what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me 'Little Pecker' while you're at it and tell me you would love to have me go shopping with you for feminine hygiene products. Oh and by all means, carry a big, sparkling pink bag with flowers on it and make me hold it.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!

~ Keiko Nobumoto

Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.

~ Santosh Kalwar

I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.

~ Patricia Briggs

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.

~ David Mcraney

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

~ Agatha Christie

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

~ Brian Celio

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)

~ Pablo

I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.

~ Benson Bruno

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

~ Lemony Snicket