Classy Quote logo
  • Home
  • Categories
  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Who said

Funny Quotes

Funny quote from classy quote

Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Extinction Funny Penguins

Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely,Patriot

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Cold War Funny Patriotism Sunscreen

Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno First Kiss Funny Teeth

While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Funny Lust Potatoes Tomatoes

Hey, Ethan.Yeah?Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice.He grinned and shot the ball. It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.

~ Kami Garcia

Kami Garcia Confession Ethan Wate Friendship Funny Sharing Twinkie

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

~ Nick Shamhart

Nick Shamhart Funny Humor Humorous

I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

~ Gary Larson

Gary Larson Coffee Funny Humor Inspirational

I can pay you.He raised his eyebrows. I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?You know the number well?

~ Kasie West

Kasie West Banter Funny Love

Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want to tell me?” I looked at him, trying to think of anything I’d done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. “Not really. Why?” He reached out and touched my leather jacket. “Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.

~ Jaye Wells

Jaye Wells Funny

Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.

~ J.a. Saare

J.a. Saare Dicta Funny Humor

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

~ Kinky Friedman

Kinky Friedman Funny Humorous Inspirational Life

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Friendship Funny

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

~ Khaled Hosseini

Khaled Hosseini Female Funny Humor Male

Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet! said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her.What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor? said Ron.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Broomstick Firebolt Funny Harry Potter Hermoine Humor Ron

He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.

~ Ilona Andrews

Ilona Andrews Bayou Moon Cerise Funny Hair Ilona Andrews The Edge William

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Funny Humor

What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Funny Irony Law Noses Socrates

Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?

~ Catherine Doyle

Catherine Doyle Funny Humor Sophie Gracewell

Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Doughnuts Funny Pastries Police

The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.

~ Seth Grahame-Smith

Seth Grahame-Smith Abraham Lincoln Funny Vampire Hunter

At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom

~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Jennifer Lynn Barnes Cheerleading Funny

If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.

~ Benson Bruno

Benson Bruno Criminal Funny Murphy S Law

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.

~ Cuthbert Soup

Cuthbert Soup Diving Funny Horses Water

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

~ Sean Covey

Sean Covey Admitting Faults Children Funny Parents

. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry H

~ Audrey Niffenegger

Audrey Niffenegger Funny

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

~ Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore Afterword Funny Martial Arts

Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.

~ J.j. Mcavoy

J.j. Mcavoy Funny Liam Love Mafia Melody Ruthless People

Aaron’s mouth dropped open when he entered the “room;” it was more like a huge open loft … no walls, huge floor to ceiling windows, shiny hardwood floors … perfect for a studio. He had no idea how Jake had acquired such a huge space in Manhattan.As if reading his mind, Alyson leaned over and whispered, “He bought the place next door and tore down the walls.”“Perfect,” replied Aaron, “and did he happen to find a treasure chest hidden in one of the walls as well?”“What do you mean?”“I mean, how the holy hell does he afford this place? He looks like he’s twelve.”“He’s twenty-​two, and he happens to be quite successful.”“At twenty-​fucking-​two?”“He was born with talent?” Alyson said questioningly.“He’s a lucky wanker who blew the right people?” suggested Aaron.Alyson tried to scowl but grinned instead, “A child prodigy?”“A deal with the devil?”“Naturally gifted?”“An indulgent sugar daddy?”“How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.

~ Giselle Ellis

Giselle Ellis Funny

I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?”“What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Jennifer L. Armentrout Aliens Death Jokes Funny Ssupernatural Training Ya

Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.

~ Haruki Murakami

Haruki Murakami Funny

So what's it to be, Bear?Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sherrilyn Kenyon Funny Sarcastic

Monsters have the worst taste in women.

~ Tera Lynn Childs

Tera Lynn Childs Funny Monsters

She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?Of course. he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Funny

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

~ Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens Funny Humour Temper

I can't see anything he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. I'm blind.

~ L.j. Smith

L.j. Smith Funny Hilarious

..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different

~ Michael Buckley

Michael Buckley Dodgeball Funny Michael Buckley

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

~ Brett Tate

Brett Tate Comedy Funny Humor Humour Memoir Sex

If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn’t sending you the ‘let’s go back to my place’ signals. In that case—”“Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

~ Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts Dates Friendships Funny Humor

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Funny Healing Humor Injuries Scars Wrinkles

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook. I shall be directly back.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Funny Gideon Love Sophie
Load More classy quote icon
  • Classy Quote

    ClassyQuote has been providing 500000+ famous quotes from 40000+ popular authors to our worldwide community.

  • Other Pages

    • About Us
    • Contact Us
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
  • Our Products

    • Chrome Extention
    • Microsoft Edge Add-on
  • Follow Us

    • Facebook
    • Instagram
Copyright © 2025 ClassyQuote. All rights reserved.