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Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

~ Molly Harper

Molly Harper Funny Jane Jameson Molly Harper Nice Girls Don T Have Fangs Pinata Questions Surprises Zeb

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.

~ Charlie Brooker

Charlie Brooker Arachnophobia Dread Fear Funny Humor Humour Spiders Torment

I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

~ Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol Fame Funny

I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips Funny Humor

Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.

~ Kyle Adams

Kyle Adams Funny

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Funny Humor Humorous Ironic Irony

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Comeback Funny Humor Humorous Irony Satire Wit Witty Quotes

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny Grover Underwood Reed Pipe

Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Camp Everyone Funny Normal

Silena appeared out of the woods, her sword drawn. Her Aphrodite armour was pink and red, colour coordinated to match her clothes and makeup. She looked like Guerilla Warfare Barbie.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny Pink Silena Beauregard

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

~ Roman Payne

Roman Payne Admiration Authors Brides Desire Funny Humor Humour Marriage Payne Roman Weddings Writers

Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.

~ Gayle Forman

Gayle Forman Funny Gayle Forman If I Stay Lumberjack Quote

She’d ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could feel her eyes upon him, even though he knew very well she’d shut her curtains tight. But clearly, reality had very little to do with the matter, because all he had to do, it seemed, was glance at her window, and he lost an entire hour’s work.It happened thus: He looked at the window, because it was there, and he couldn’t very well never happen to glance upon it unless he also shut his curtains tight, which he was not willing to do, given the amount of time he spent in his office. So he saw the window, and he thought of her, because, really, what else would he think of upon seeing her bedroom window? At that point, annoyance set in, because A) she wasn’t worth the energy, B) she wasn’t even there, and C) he wasn’t getting any work done because of her.C always led into a bout of even deeper irritation, this time directed at himself, because D) he really ought to have better powers of concentration, E) it was just a stupid window, and F) if he was going to get agitated about a female, it ought to be one he at least liked.F was where he generally let out a loud growl and forced himself to get back to his translation. It usually worked for a minute or two, and then he’d look back up, and happen to see the window, and the whole bloody nonsense cycled back to the beginning.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Frustration Funny Obsession Spying

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?Bob's eyes darted nervously. I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Bob Funny Harry

Don't go there Rule Lawe warned him softly. I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.

~ Lora Leigh

Lora Leigh Breeds Funny Lawe S Justice Threat

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business.

~ Brian Jacques

Brian Jacques Basil Eating Funny Hare Talk

I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.

~ K.a. Mitchell

K.a. Mitchell Bowling Funny K A Mitchell Sport

I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt.

~ Lili St. Crow

Lili St. Crow Funny Teens Zits

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again? And Grandpa Nate answered, Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?

~ E.l. Konigsburg

E.l. Konigsburg Funny Humor Music Sex

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

~ Christy Leigh Stewart

Christy Leigh Stewart Applause Clapping Funny Funny And Random Retarded

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sherrilyn Kenyon Funny Humor

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

~ Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Charlotte Perkins Gilman Fashion Funny Hats Humor Humour Women

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,worse, kissing up.It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I’d probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date.

~ David Levithan

David Levithan Funny

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

~ Rachel Gibson

Rachel Gibson Funny Humor

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

~ Holly Hood

Holly Hood Boonville Family Funny Life Sarcasm

Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.

~ Jackie Kessler

Jackie Kessler Funny

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f

~ Tara Janzen

Tara Janzen Contemporary Romance Funny Humour Romance Romantic Suspense

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Angry Fish Funny Humor

Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Laurie Halse Anderson Cool Funny Looks To True Up

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Carter Kane Destruction Earthquakes Floods Funny Funny And Random Giant Snake Humour Ra Rebellious Riordan Riots Sadie Kane Serpent Snake Sun Survive Tornado Tsunamis

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Carter Kane Destruction Earthquakes Floods Funny Funny And Random Giant Snake Humour Ra Rebellious Riordan Riots Sadie Kane Serpent Snake Sun Survive Tornado Tsunamis

I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.

~ Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket Funny Purposeful Errors Tiredness

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives.Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Funny Humor Smoking

Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

~ Dannika Dark

Dannika Dark Card Game Cards Church Fantasy Funny Grandma Humor Knox Paranormal Silver Sterling Urban Zoe

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

~ Carroll Bryant

Carroll Bryant Comedy Funny Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

~ Libba Bray

Libba Bray Funny Humor Humour

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Funny Humor Idealism Love Men And Women

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Children Funny Humor Shame

Ancient Chinese proverb,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.“He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.

~ Brad Boney

Brad Boney Funny Mm

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Books Funny Humor Politics
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