Funny Quotes

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye

~ Krista Alasti

A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

~ Hanna Lui

HAMLET I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)

~ William Shakespeare

Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.

~ Ethan Day

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

~ Steven Wright

I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran

~ Krista Alasti

Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--

~ David Nicholls

As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere comprised mainly of of hydrogen and helium.

~ Cuthbert Soup

Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.

~ Rita Mae Brown

The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train.

~ Ben Macintyre

Hey! Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. Keep your snot to yourself.Dev scoffed at that. Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh? He tsked. What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.

~ Cynthia Heimel

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

~ Mark Twain

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary...I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.

~ Cuthbert Soup

The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote Please stop can't breathe in the dirt with her finger.

~ Jim Benton

Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife

~ Ruth Downie

He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!

~ Cuthbert Soup

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.

~ Elizabeth C. Bunce

Robert said, This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade.Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+

~ Andrew Clements

Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!

~ Daniel Nayeri

I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.

~ Charles Dickens

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

~ William Shakespeare

...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.

~ Jimmy Gownley

I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella.

~ Katherine Mansfield

I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah

~ Kate Carlisle

We have truth in order not to die of art.

~ Steve Aylett

Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.

~ Adam Rex

This one's for Alaska Young!

~ John Green

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

~ Criss Jami

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.

~ Chetan Bhagat

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

~ Nenia Campbell

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.

~ John Green

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

~ Albert Einstein

I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house.

~ Martha Graham

SUBJECT: Real originalDear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part.Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL

~ S.l. Jennings

There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters

~ Philip K. Dick

always schedule your comeback.

~ Brooke Bida

And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face. GalenAs I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit. StyxxAnd you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you.Galen

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries. Oh, come on. You know you want to.D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up.Jack laughed. Not yet you aren't. He looked at D's face, smiling with him.

~ Jane Seville

With the Book hitching rides, hiding on people, guess we’re all going to be dressing like skanks for a while, huh? Skintight or skin. Dude, everybody’s everything’s gonna be hanging out, and some o’ those fat chicks at the abbey are gonna gross my eyeballs right outta my head. Muffin tops and camel toes, gah!

~ Karen Marie Moning