Funny Quotes

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

~ Brett Tate

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

~ Jeff Valdez

This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

~ Molly Harper

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.

~ M. Beth Bloom

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

~ Shannon L. Alder

We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.

~ Lisa Kleypas

How are we going to get out of here?Oh, escape is easy once you have the right

~ Derek Landy

It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.

~ Gauri Jhangiani

Thank you for helping my sister,” he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. “I’m happy to.”Calliope leans out her window. “STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.

~ Stephanie Perkins

The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens

~ Jana Oliver

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?

~ Melina Marchetta

Make sure the seaweed lies flat.''Okay.''Leave an inch below the knee.''Okay.''It's got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.''Sean Kendrick.' I say it emphatically enough that the stallion's ears prick toward me. (...)Sean doesn't appear to be at all apologetic. 'I think you'd better let me do that after all.''You're the one who had me in here in the first place.' I say. 'Now I think it's you who doesn't trust me.''It's not just you,' He replies.I glower at him. 'Well, I'll tell you what. I'll hold him and you wrap. That way, when it's done wrong, there's only yourself to slap. And take your jacket. I'm tired of holding it.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

She smiled smugly. “We came to an agreement, the duck and I.

~ Cassandra Clare

What happened? he asked brusquely, interrupting me. What do you mean, what happened?I sensed your fear, heard you call out my

~ Kristi Cook

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.

~ Richelle Mead

You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do.

~ Kiersten White

What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint.

~ Kate Avery Ellison

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.

~ Rachel Vincent

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.

~ Terry Pratchett

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

~ Jim Davis

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

~ Isabel Lopez

Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.

~ Melinda Chapman

I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again.I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.

~ Laura Kreitzer

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

~ Anna White

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

~ Harriet Evans

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

~ Nicole Mckay

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

~ Terry Pratchett

I never said nothing...I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

~ Terry Pratchett

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn't,it just makes them dead.

~ Joe Walker

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

~ Chelsea Handler

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

~ Jennifer Ziegler

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers. She slapped my back. Welcome to high school.

~ Harlan Coben

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me.

~ Katie Macalister

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

~ Richelle Mead

Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up.Joss: I'm not invisible.Dylan: I know this.

~ Susan Bischoff

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

~ Janet Evanovich

She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?

~ Laura Ruby

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

~ Jennifer Ziegler