Funny Quotes

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

~ Stephen Colbert

I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...

~ Richard Paul Evans

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

~ Diane Arbus

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount.Audrey heaved a mock sigh. Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.Gnome choked on the soup. I'm old enough to be your grandfather!Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. But you're not.

~ Ilona Andrews

Tighe took control of his thoughts.“You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you’llgo into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go tosleep.”The bastard’s career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But hedeserved it for kicking a cat.

~ Pamela Palmer

Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don't have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy.

~ Jim Henson

Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

~ Regina Griffin

Mother, you have my father much offended.

~ William Shakespeare

I remember that story. You have read it four times. Samson shrugged. Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again. But some people treat books that way. Not I!

~ Karen A. Wyle

Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.

~ Markus Zusak

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.

~ Tamara Summers

Yes it is Eragon said before his courage left him just like you

~ Christopher Paolini

I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.

~ Hayden Thorne

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

~ Amunhotep El Bey

It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.

~ Laura Kreitzer

I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.

~ L.h. Thomson

I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.

~ Megan Mccafferty

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.

~ Terry Pratchett

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

~ Daniel Silva

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

~ Jon Stewart

You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.

~ Kiersten White

As Confucius once said, He who does nothing is the one who does nothing.'Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. 'did Confucius really say that?'Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. 'No, but who cared? The point is, they handled, and most likely they found some sort of self-satisfaction in their industrious-ness. Who am I to deprive them of that?'Gabby put her hands on her hips. 'Or maybe you just wanted to be lazy.'Stephanie grinned. 'Like Jesus said, Blessed are the lazy who lie in boats, for they shall inherit a suntan.''Jesus didn't say that.''True,' Stephanie afreed, sitting up. She removed her glasses, stared through them, then wiped them on a towel. 'But again, who cares?

~ Nicholas Sparks

Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.

~ Adam Rex

Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all blended and mushed together.

~ Cat Clarke

I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?

~ R.j. Anderson

I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?'She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her.Oh dear God!He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded.'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.

~ Julie Anne Long

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

~ Jon Stewart

She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.

~ Molly Harper

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

~ Adam Rex

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

~ Mariah Gonzales

Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock. Hector

~ Gena Showalter

Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations in my throat, as if the sound alone could save me. It wasn’t quite a cat’s growl but it was damn close. And it was his last warning.Miguel dismissed my threat with an easy smile, and my stomach clenched. Oh, yeah, Faythe. You have Puss shaking in his boots, all right.

~ Rachel Vincent

Same as you, Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. Sorry I missed the Wednesday lunch date, but I was in a black hole all morning.

~ Douglas Adams

Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word... (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)

~ Hilary Mckay

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.

~ Adam Rex

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

~ Cheryl Cory

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something.

~ Laura Kreitzer

Screw sharks a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.

~ Emma Mclaughlin

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

~ Adam Rex