Funny Quotes

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home

~ Eric Cartman

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home.

~ Eric Cartman

You should really smile more Miss.” “Smiling Is overrated.” my voice as sharp as a knife, my voice deadpanned, as I sulked at the wall.

~ Shayla Orick

I’d never heard of a rain check before, but hoped it was something storm rescuers bought bags of souvenirs for their kids with.

~ Amber Mcree Turner

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

~ Eoin Colfer

I saved you,” Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it’s only trying to fool us. I saved you.

~ Alex Gabriel

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime — especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender’s deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance.

~ Alex Gabriel

When D's cabin caught fire, D was out of the country. Half the town-Christians and drinkers alike-came out to fight the fire and loot the cabin. There were individual piles of loot, and fights over the piles. That's my pile. The hell it is, it's mine.

~ John Mcphee

Not that I can think of. In fact, I have never met anyone who didn’t like gargoyles.

~ Shayla Orick

Well, aint this a kick in the dick!

~ Genocider Syo (Touko Fukawa

I’d like to say I’m not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie.

~ Lisa Daily

When I think about books, I touch my shelf.

~ Unknown

Is the princess still in the fitting room?Oh no, darling. She appeared about half an hour ago. Poured herself a black coffee, and looked longingly at the cakes. That child is starving herself if you ask me. Now she's definitely too thin. European men do like a woman to have a little meat on her bones.And Prince Nicolas, have you seen him recently?I haven't seen him since lunch. I gather he and Antone went out to shoot. And I expect Max went with them. They're only happy when they're shooting something. Apart from sex of course. Mother! I gave her a warning frown. My mother glanced around at the other women, who were tucking into their tort with abandon. They won't understand. Their English is hopeless, darling. Besides, it is about time you are acquainted with the facts of life. I've hopelessly neglected my duty in that area. Men only have two thoughts in their heads. And those are killing or copulating.I'm sure there are plenty of men with finer feelings who are interested in art and culture.Yes, darling. Of course there are. They are called ferries. And they are quite adorable. So witty and fun to be with. But in my long and varied life I've found that the ones who are witty to be with are no use in bed. And vice versa.

~ Rhys Bowen

I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese.

~ Gail Honeyman

I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.

~ Ilona Andrews

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

~ Gail Honeyman

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

~ Gail Honeyman

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

~ Gail Honeyman

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

~ Criss Jami

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

~ John Bellairs

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

~ John Bellairs

Everyone is a Butthole.

~ Ted Aramac

I take my food very seriously. Whenever I hear that bell, I know Mrs. Norris is hankerin' for some spam.

~ Sandy Ward Bell

In my defense, the Easter Bunny is the weakest link in magical lore. I mean, you have to admit that the whole thing is ridiculous. A giant rodent who sneaks into people's homes at night to leave eggs filled with candy? How in the world is that symbolic of the Easter celebration?

~ Autumn Doughton

Assad whistled a few notes of one of his native country's melancholic songs. It sounded as though he was whistling backwards

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Carl Mørck, am I disturbing you? said a voice at the door, which made his blood boil and turn to ice at the same time. His spinal cord sent five commands through his infrastructure: get rid of the eraser, cover the last line, put away the cigarette, drop the stupid facial expression, close your mouth!

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

He'd make her work so hard that a job as a cardboard-box presser at the margerine factory would seem like paradise.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Bak stood a moment, as though considering whether the sum total of their shared working life was ending in a minus or a plus.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Phi cang Saigon Tansonnhut   He puzzled at the meaning and smiled inwardly. The sign probably said, “Welcome and Affectionate Salutations to All Who Enter the Glorious Tan Son Nhut Air Base, Home of Seventh Air Force, Only Minutes from Beautiful Saigon.” Or maybe not; he couldn’t know. Maybe it read, “Welcome to the Dung Heap of Despair—Abandon Cheer, All Ye Who Enter.

~ Tony Taylor

I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito eating obese man's fart. - Emily Dolt

~ Nix Banner

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)

~ Rick Riordan

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.

~ Rhiannon Mcgavin

Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.

~ Sarah J. Maas

I’m alive,” he groaned. “But I’m not doing a very good job of it.

~ Merrie Haskell

And turnips - endless ruptured turnips.

~ Merrie Haskell

Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns, and then use it to run my enemies through—” She bit off her next words and swallowed them. Sand stared at her, aghast. She met his eyes, defiant. “What? You don’t like bloodthirstiness?” she asked. “Pardon? No. I’m horrified that you would dull a sword on that thorn brake. I could make you some pretty good hedge shears.

~ Merrie Haskell

The truth is . . . Well, the truth is the truth, and thus worth telling, but sometimes truths are so complicated that it’s exhausting to get them out in the right order.” He glanced up at her. That sounded like an evasion if ever she’d heard one. She raised an eyebrow.

~ Merrie Haskell

Saint Melor’s father was Saint Meliau.”“Was everyone in Bertaèyn a saint, back in the day?”“Everyone who didn’t murder anyone, maybe,” Perrotte said.

~ Merrie Haskell

The shrine I prayed at not to go to university,” Sand said.“I guess your prayer was answered,” Perrotte said.Sand strongly considered throwing something at her—but there was nothing to hand that wasn’t sacred.

~ Merrie Haskell