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Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

~ K.j. Charles

K.j. Charles Dark Humor Death Sentences Funny Humor Humour Kj Charles Smugglers The Magpie Lord

What?” he asked in a low voice.“You looked like you spent your last joy bill.”He hissed, “What does that even mean?”“I don’t know. I was just trying it out.”“Well, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t make sense. And anyway, I’ve got plenty of joy bills. Loads.”Helen said, “What’s happening there on your phone?”“A very small joy debit.”His older sister’s smile shone brightly. “You see, it does work. Now, did you or did you not need to get out of that room?”Gansey inclined his head in slight acknowledgment. Gansey siblings knew each other well.“You’re so welcome,” Helen said. “Let me know if you need me to write a joy check.”“I really don’t think it works.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Maggie Stiefvater Funny Gansey

How did you get into the castle, Alexandre, son of Gilles Smith?” Sand shrugged. “A saint kidnapped me from his shrine and put me into a fireplace here. So I guess the answer is, a miracle of Saint Melor. Or so I think. He has not told me.” “If you are trying to antagonize him, you are doing a good job,” Perrotte whispered. Sand scuffed his shoe at her. “I’m just telling the truth!” “You’re very good at telling it in the most maddening way possible.”“Thank you?

~ Merrie Haskell

Merrie Haskell Behind Castle Funny Merrie Haskell Mg Middle Grade Perrotte Sand Thorns

You’re not mending anything, remember, Sand? The hedge.” He paused and shook his head at himself. “And Perrotte’s away for a few minutes, and you’re talking to yourself again.

~ Merrie Haskell

Merrie Haskell Behind Castle Funny Merrie Haskell Mg Middle Grade Perrotte Sand Thorns

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Death Funny Short Story

Four different kinds of Tater Tots? I felt overwhelmed by culinary confusion. Why would anyone need so many? Chili. Sweet potato. Blue?

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Blue Joke Funny Percy Jackson Reference

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. What did you just say?Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.

~ Rachel Brookes

Rachel Brookes Funny Sarcastic Humor

It's so Hogwarts.

~ Stephanie Perkins

Stephanie Perkins Funny Harry Potter

So none of the young men we encountered during our season gave you hot pants for them?Belinda! Your language. I've been mingling with Americans. Such fun. So Naughty.

~ Rhys Bowen

Rhys Bowen 1930S Europeans Funny London Royalty Sex Sexuality

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time

~ Bogdan Vaida

Bogdan Vaida Funny Humor Latin Spain

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

~ K.j. Charles

K.j. Charles Funny Humor Humour Kj Charles Money Smugglers Thief

In our profession, we tend to name things exactly as we see them. Big red stars we call red giants. Small white stars we call white dwarfs. When stars are made of neutrons, we call them neutron stars. Stars that pulse, we call them pulsars. In biology they come up with big Latin words for things. MDs write prescriptions in a cuneiform that patients can’t understand, hand them to the pharmacist, who understands the cuneiform. It’s some long fancy chemical thing, which we ingest. In biochemistry, the most popular molecule has ten syllables—deoxyribonucleic acid! Yet the beginning of all space, time, matter, and energy in the cosmos, we can describe in two simple words, Big Bang. We are a monosyllabic science, because the universe is hard enough. There is no point in making big words to confuse you further.Want more? In the universe, there are places where the gravity is so strong that light doesn’t come out. You fall in, and you don’t come out either: black hole. Once again, with single syllables, we get the whole job done. Sorry, but I had to get all that off my chest.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

Neil Degrasse Tyson Funny

I pat her on the head. Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake.

~ Jenny Han

Jenny Han Food Funny Humor Random

At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue’s opinion, was far more hellish than anything they’d discussed to this point.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Maggie Stiefvater Blue Sargent Funny Richard Gansey Iii

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

~ Sulari Gentill

Sulari Gentill Amusing Dark Humor Funny Gods Greek Greek Gods Greek Mythology Greek Myths Greeks Joke Odysseus Sarcasm Sarcastic Humor Story Trojan Horse Trojan War Trojans War

What’s going on?” Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.” She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her and said the words as quickly as she could. “I’m just going to give it to you straight as I can. Mila is a witch.” Ingrid busted out with a laugh. “I wouldn’t call her that,” she said. “That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?” She poured the juice into her glass and took a drink. “What did the brat do this time?” She set her glass down.

~ Taylor Keys

Taylor Keys Books Fiction Fun Funny Magic Mg Paranormal Spells Supernatural Teen Witchcraft Humor Witches Ya

That’s probably the most sincere thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”Logan lowered his eyes to Tate’s hand. “Now, that’s not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your—”“Don’t ruin it,” Tate interrupted.

~ Ella Frank

Ella Frank Ella Frank Funny Hot Humour Logan Mxm Sex Sexy Tate

Can you sharpen this for me, please?”Logan leaned across the table and took the pencil from him. “You want me to play with your pencil, Tate?”“Hilarious. The sharpener is right by you. You just have to pick it up and slide it in.”As soon as the words left his mouth and Logan’s quirked into an arrogant line, Tate bit his tongue.“Really? Did you really just say that to me?”Feeling more comfortable than ever with Logan and this group, Tate shrugged and nodded. Time to give it to Logan as good as he gives.“Yeah. Is there a problem? You just line it up...and slide it in.”“You know, Tate—”“Don't do it.” Tate cut him off as he moved his foot, the one he’d had sitting between Logan’s feet all night, so his shin bumped Logan’s calf.“Do what?”“Say something dirty. I know you're dying to, but just sharpen the pencil.”Logan picked up the sharpener and made a big show of inserting the tip in the hole.“Jesus,” Shelly muttered from beside Logan. “I thought Rachel and Cole were bad.

~ Ella Frank

Ella Frank Cocktease Dirty Talk Ella Frank Funny Hot Logan Mxm Sexy Tate Tease

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?”Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. “Unopened. Why?

~ Ella Frank

Ella Frank Alcohol Drunk Ella Frank Funny Homour Humor Logan Tate

If God would cry, you can´t compare it to a tsunami.

~ Alin Sav

Alin Sav Funny Spirituality

Things hit a limit, though, when I was set upon by a pickpocket in a baker's shop. I didn't notice that I was being set upon by a pickpocket, which I am glad of, because I like to work only with professionals.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Funny

But then again, I shouldn't judge. That is, after all, my pet peeve.

~ Katie Mcgarry

Katie Mcgarry Funny Relatable

It's funny how things work out.Trouble is, I'm still not laughing.

~ Anthony T. Hincks

Anthony T. Hincks Funny Laugh Laughing Life Philosophy Works Out

I'd grown impervious to all three of his facial expressions.

~ Cookie O'gorman

Cookie O'gorman Funny

Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.

~ Elizabeth Brown

Elizabeth Brown Funny Humor Penis Humor Romance Book Quotes

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

~ H.s. Crow

H.s. Crow Funny Funny Quotes Humor

Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.

~ V.e. Schwab

V.e. Schwab Alucard Emery Cat Delilah Bard Funny Humor Magic

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?

~ Parker S. Huntington

Parker S. Huntington Best Friends Dry Spell Funny Funny But True Humor Lust Sex Sexuality

But I saw your aura looking healthy again, then looking sick after a hunt. And you keep getting migraines. You should take better care of yourself,” he added mildly. “Look for ways to not be so tense – long walks, meditation, these things would help.”Alex suddenly felt like Seb was his therapist; he had to resist the urge to shake him.

~ L.a. Weatherly

L.a. Weatherly Angel Fire Annoying Funny Health Humor Humour La Weatherly Sick Therapist

Lunch started off tense after our heated moment. Thank goodness for Blake. Kai was warm toward him, reserving his coolness for me. I watched, keeping quiet. They fought over the last piece of General Tso’s shrimp, and I had to laugh when the little thing went flying in the air and landed in a wet footprint next to the pool.“You can have it,” Kaidan graciously offered, and Blake shoved him one last time.

~ Wendy Higgins

Wendy Higgins Funny Gracious Kaidan And Anna Kaidan Anna And Blake

Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist’s little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

~ Lisa Daily

Lisa Daily Botox Funny Humor Sarasota

That evening I was the sole guest in the huge dining room, and it was the same startled person who took my order and shortly afterwards brought me a fish that had doubtless lain entombed in the deep-freeze for years. The breadcrumb armour-plating of the fish had been partly singed by the grill, and the prongs of my fork bent on it. Indeed it was so difficult to penetrate what eventually proved to be nothing but an empty shell that my plate was a hideous mess once the operation was over. The tartare sauce that I had had to squeeze out of a plastic sachet was turned grey by the sooty breadcrumbs, and the fish itself, or what feigned to be fish, lay a sorry wreck among the grass-green peas and the remains of soggy chips that gleamed with fat.

~ W. G. Sebold

W. G. Sebold England Fish And Chips Food Funny

Yeah, that’s what Jeffrey said too. Oh, wait … Jeffrey said something about a Sacred Abil and the Trophy of Stavlini, or Stavriti, or Stav … something.”“Staviti?” The hysteria in Emmy’s voice was definitely becoming prominent now. “The Trophy of Staviti? You stole the Trophy of Staviti?”I clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her shriek. “No!” I answered reflexively. “Or yes. Kind of. Maybe. Why?”She gave a muffled answer, and I realised that I was still holding my hand over her mouth. I pulled away, allowing her to speak again.“You don’t know who Staviti is, Willa? Seriously? You couldn’t pay attention in class even for that much?”“I knew it sounded familiar,” I grumbled, feeling defensive. “Is it the god of … um … food or something?

~ Jaymin Eve

Jaymin Eve Funny Gods Pay Attention Stealing

I still didn’t turn. Instead, I just listened really hard. I couldn’t tell where he was standing anymore, but I could sense that he was still there somewhere. Well obviously … because he didn’t exactly jump out of the window.

~ Jaymin Eve

Jaymin Eve Embarrassed Funny Obvious

I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a crazy ex with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.

~ Alana Massey

Alana Massey Funny

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Jussi Adler-Olsen Funny Humor Pregnancy

@She is really really so beautiful there,' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Jussi Adler-Olsen Funny Humor Humour

She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Jussi Adler-Olsen Arseholes Funny Humor Humour

Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Jussi Adler-Olsen Arabic Assad Funny Humor Humour

Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oenophobia. Tremulous about train travel? You suffer from siderodromophobia. Having misgivings about your mother-in-law is pentheraphobia, and being petrified of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is arachibutyrophobia. And then there’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s affliction, the fear of fear itself, or phobophobia.

~ Steven Pinker

Steven Pinker Fear Funny Humor Language Science
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