Funny Quotes

Keep moving!” “Bea’s arguing with the floor.

~ Joel N. Ross

We’re alive!” Swedish told her. “I did not see that coming.

~ Joel N. Ross

Google and ye shall find.

~ Neo Shamon

Did Cap’n Vidious leave that? He is such a cuddlebunny.” “Yeah,” I said, “that’s exactly how I’d describe him.

~ Joel N. Ross

You know what to do?” “Wander around,” I said. “Until I spot a self-assembled whangdoodle from the Foggy depths.

~ Joel N. Ross

Did you just call me ‘sweetie’?” I asked. She shoved my shoulder. “No.

~ Joel N. Ross

Well, the bad news,” Swedish said from the wheel, “is that Chess still thinks he’s funny.” “What’s the good news?” Loretta asked, leaning on our little copper-tubed harpoon. “That Kodoc dropped a bomb on the city?

~ Joel N. Ross

Now you’re listening to Swedish ?” I asked her. “He thinks I’m the Compass because every time I see ticktocks, I happen to be there!

~ Joel N. Ross

If Chess is the switch,” Loretta said, “how does he turn the Fog off?” Bea bit her lower lip. “I don’t know—ask Chess.” “How would I know?” I said. “You try being a switch.

~ Joel N. Ross

Loretta started belting out a song: “Row, row, row your boat, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G !

~ Joel N. Ross

I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.

~ Zoe Cruz

...Loretta threatened to beat him to death with a wooden spoon...

~ Joel N. Ross

Taken from the dedication in my debut novel Exactly 23 days. To honour all women on International Women's day. For women everywhere: When you know you are finally mended, spread the word, hold out your hand, share some love from your heart and some laughter from your soul and be there for a new member of the sisterhood who needs your help. Let's all help our sisters worldwide to stand tall and know, they can and they will recover, survive and thrive, to live the life they deserve. To all the sisters who reached out and held my hand in whatever way you could, who cried my tears with me, and laughter my laughter too, I thank every one of you. I survived.

~ Jayne Higgins

The first time you went out, you became mixed up with a group of radical political terrorists.”“That could have happened to anyone!

~ Lisa Kleypas

You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.

~ Jayne Higgins

I’ve got money!” Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. “I mean, I don’t know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I’ve got a ton of cash! It’s in a hat box under my bed! I’ve got a bright red Lexus in the garage, I’ve got my engagement ring upstairs, it’s real gold… there must be something we can trade off with…”“You can’t bribe me away, I’m afraid,” said Mr. Azrael. “Money means nothing where I come from.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

You’re not worried about being compromised, are you?” he asked. “Because I’ve already done that.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Haven't you ever heard of pornographic gibberish before?

~ Cassandra Clare

When people ask me what L.A. was like in the sixties, I tell them there wasn't as much terrible stucco as there is today: no mini malls with their approximation of Spanish two-story buildings, no oversized SUVs bulging out of parking-space lines. What used to say Spanish-style is now something diseased looking. Nobody seems to know how to stucco anymore.

~ Kim Gordon

Bang! The end of his little finger, now, and three more pieces of the rest. His middle finger was down to the knuckle, almost. Severard stared, his eyes with with horror, his breath coming short, fast gasps. Shock, amazement, stunned terror. Glokta leaned down to his ear. 'I hope you weren't planning to take up the violin, Severard. You'll be lucky if you can play a fucking gong by the time we're done here.

~ Joe Abercrombie

I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it will NOT work.

~ Thomas Edison

My heart’s so light it floats and carries me so my feet don’t walk. I sing all day and I don’t mind the washing, and that’s how I know I’m in love. Completely smitten with My Lord the cat.

~ Shannon Hale

... where there's one there's ten.'That's crazy math.

~ Emma Donoghue

Le Tub is a Miami oceanside restaurant that uses old bath tubs and toilets as decoration. If you're really lucky, you get a table by the water where you can see the manatees as they swim by. Someone once told me that it was one of Oprah's favorite restaurants, but seriously, Oprah has a lot of favorite things--it all sounds like lies at this point.

~ Tarryn Fisher

I put the photo in an album called Mortifying Emotional Moments, and I title it Soggy Napkin Note. The last selfie I posted in there was of me on the day I graduated college. My perfectly made up face is happy ... relieved. I called that one: Sallie Mae Can Suck It.

~ Tarryn Fisher

You’re not exactly up for the Humanitarian of the Year award, so save your altruism for someone who can't see through you like cellophane.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

In the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive me what I’m about to do.”“Forgive you wha—”My sentence was cut off as he clamped his mouth over mine, kissing me deeply....“Ready to make a scene?”He raised an eyebrow. “Do I have a choice?”“Not really. To quote something someone said to me recently, in the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive what I’m about to do.” I drew back my hand and slapped him across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the hall. Conversations stopped as people whipped around to stare at us. Raising my voice to something just below a shout, I snarled, “You asshole!

~ Seanan Mcguire

I’ll use my divination and look into the future. Hey, you know what, I’m seeing the future right now. If I stand here and wait, then in three minutes a train’s going to come. And after that, another train’s going to come. Here, I’ll let you guess what’s going to happen afterwards. I’ll give you a hint—there’s a train.

~ Benedict Jacka

We are about to be eaten by a dragon, you’re crawling on bleeding hands through bat droppings, and you’re worried about being proper?

~ Bethany Wiggins

I am a writer. Therefore. I am not sane.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.

~ Eoin Colfer

Moms are so hard to understand! They'll never allow us to go on diet for fitness but forcefully make us fast in the name of God!~Swapna Rajput~

~ Swapna Rajput

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history.

~ Eoin Colfer

I do not see how my agreeing to marry a scruffy old brute will have the power to keep a fire-breathing dragon locked beneath a mountain. And if I don’t agree to marry him, will I truly be fed to the dragon? That is savage, and inhumane, and crazy.

~ Bethany Wiggins

I am so tired of this gothic crap,” I muttered. “Just once, I want to meet the villain in a cheerful, brightly lit room. Possibly one with kittens.

~ Seanan Mcguire

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

~ Sanhita Baruah

Good gravy on biscuits, girlfriend, you are in the middle of more messes than a platter of scrambled eggs. What's going on? Are the planets aligned funny? Or is that unaligned? Shoot, I have no idea. But I need to know what's going on. You and I will be going out for coffee in about thirty seconds.

~ Paige Shelton

No one's ever really ready for a troll.

~ Eoin Colfer

Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn’t really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn’t like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn’t exactly help me get into the school.

~ Ilona Andrews

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

~ Eoin Colfer