Funny Quotes

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.

~ Eoin Colfer

She stood up when he approached her,Not to hug him,but to slap him.

~ Sanviwords

We all go through the same things - it's just a different kind of the same thing

~ Susan Glaspell

You’re lucky you didn’t know him back in his tech phase. There was this time in our second year when we were living in the same house. Kitchen table kept wobbling so Landis shoved this metal saucer under one of the legs. Wasn’t until two weeks later we found out it was a land mine.

~ Benedict Jacka

because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.

~ Molly Harper

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

~ Ron Chernow

Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.

~ Bobby Darnell

Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house. Would you Helen? Would you really?

~ Kristin Hannah

I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd,” Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.“How are they?” God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.“Detailed. Good,” Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.“Alright Syn. Chill out. We’re not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You’re the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do,” Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. “Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons.”Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn’t help but laugh at Day’s fucked up comparison. “I’m no fucking Tito, shithead.

~ A.e. Via

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

~ Kayti Mcgee

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

~ Ilona Andrews

Lesson for young men: if you want your eventual wife to be excited about sucking your dick for forty years, don't create a generation of women who think enthusiasm about sex is a bad thing.

~ Anna Kendrick

You have more issues than Reader's Digest.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.

~ Benedict Jacka

Oh my God, Green,” I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. “Just take the damn socksand put the kid out of his misery.

~ Alexandra Bracken

People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)

~ Rick Riordan

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.

~ Benny Bellamacina

If there’s one thing all diviners share, it’s curiosity. We really can’t help it; it’s just part of who we are. If you dug out a tunnel somewhere in the wilderness a thousand miles from anywhere and hung a sign on it saying, ‘Warning, this leads to the Temple of Horrendous Doom. Do not enter, ever. No, not even then’, you’d get back from lunch to find a diviner already inside and two more about to go in.Come to think about it, that might explain why there are so few of us.

~ Benedict Jacka

The more you exaggerate, the more you will look funny!

~ Mehmet Murat Ildan

Shocked to see me? I drawl at them, chuckling at the horrific joke.

~ Victoria Aveyard

Soon she cried and farted herself to sleep.

~ Louise Erdrich

I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette

~ Lin-Manuel Miranda

I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette.

~ Lin-Manuel Miranda

You have a mind like the rings of Saturn. A million miles wide and an inch deep.

~ Kim Stanley Robinson

Were you planning to jump off?“Not on pizza day. Never on pizza day, which is one of the better days of the week.” I should mention that I am a brilliant deflector.

~ Jennifer Niven

I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?

~ Adam Jay Epstein

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

:I am Topaz,: the unicorn on the hill haughtily announced, :and this is my vale.: :I was not aware unicorns could own vales,: Wareska linked. The unicorn stiffened, and even from this distance, Wareska could see her bright, golden eyes narrow dangerously. :Now you know,: she said with quiet menace.

~ Ash Gray

Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:

~ Ash Gray

I know nothing of magick,” the naked man said to the raven, “except what you told me.” He laughed sadly. “And I barely remember that. I tend to drift off when you ramble.

~ Ash Gray

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

~ James S.a. Corey

One must always be careful of books,' said Tessa, 'and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.' 'I'm not sure a book has ever changed me,' Will finished. 'Well, there is one volume that promises to teach one how to turn into an entire flock of sheep-' 'Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry,' said Tessa, determined not to let him run wildly off with the course. 'Of course, why one would want to be and fire flock of sheep is another matter entirely,' Will finished.

~ Cassandra Clare

Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…

~ Tom Magliozzi

Ian was too Captain America for my taste.

~ Gloria Craw

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

~ Winston S. Churchill

The number of times he'd had to pinch his nose to keep his soul in so that he'd make no noise while peering through the parlor keyhole...

~ Emma Trevayne

As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger.

~ Deanna Chase

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana