Funny Quotes

Pearls' burst out the Snork Maiden excitedly. 'Could ankle rings be made out of pearls?''I should think they could,' said Moomintoll. 'Ankle-rings, and nose-rings and ear-rings and engagement rings...

~ Tove Jansson

No one is waiting for me. In this story, I’m the girl no one is waiting for. Usually the girl is fat, but my problem is more rare, which is freckles: I look like someone threw handfuls of mud at my face.

~ Jennifer Egan

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

~ Ryan Lilly

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

~ Ryan Lilly

I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

~ Mary E. Pearson

You've got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.What the fuck does that even mean? Hook demanded, then held up a hand. Never mind, I don't want to know.Means fucking keeps you young.

~ S.e. Jakes

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

~ Doug Solter

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Plaster didn't actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close.

~ Jonathan Stroud

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say dern the dern fog.

~ Mark Twain

I love ghosts, I prefer ghosts to some people.

~ Cher

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.How can you say that? protested Mopple. We don't know whether humans have souls or not.Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses. Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses.So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

~ Leonie Swann

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

~ August Westman

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

~ Bauvard

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he's al-Qaeda and you're the CIA.

~ Heather Cocks

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

There is strong. There is Army Strong. And then there is Army Wife Strong.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

Apparently officers are not ‘men’. Officers are ‘officers’.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

Permission to shoot the fucker in the face when it comes over the rim?

~ J. Fally

She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright daylight.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

We are all regular people, Pia,’ she laughs. ‘But we are notregular wives.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual.

~ Jim Butcher

When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so, you don't get demons our side of the river, the guards won't let them over London Bridge.

~ Hilary Mantel

Coffee is not my thing, and RedBull is my wing.

~ Ali Alja'bari

Let me set it straight, I've done some shit,And maybe I ain't too proud of itThe monster in your bedYou were begging me please don't stop!Said that I'm a douchebag, won't call backThe worst hangover you ever hadFelt so good at first, you knew that it could never lastWanna wash the dirt off my hands, wanna get this all off my chestBut I'm no good at saying sorry... woah oh!I didn't mean to fuck you over,I just want to have some fun

~ The Summer Set

Scotland is a soggy sort it place, where birds and animals walk around uncooked

~ Peedie William

So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?

~ Johnny Rich

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

~ Nobita Nobi

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

~ Julia Marriott

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

~ Colleen Hoover

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I'm not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I could perform them on him. He’s completely unreadable and even more unpredictable. It pisses me off.

~ Colleen Hoover

Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy

~ Joseph Heller

How are you doing, son?If you don't get started, I'll rip out your heart and have it for breakfast.- Michael to Solo

~ Gena Showalter

Which college?''Hmm?''Which college do you go to?'Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.''I'm sorry?''Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

~ Derek Landy

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe. “Easy, I’d cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it,” he’d said. But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing. After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, “No I’m not.

~ A.e. Via

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some.

~ Shannon L. Alder

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

~ Josh Stern

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

~ Josh Stern

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

~ Josh Stern

He twisted at the waist and stretched out on his side. “You’re a bit crazy. You throw apples in people’s faces when you’re angry. You go off half-cocked half the time. It entertains me to no end. So if you are irrational, I hope you stay that way. I love it.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout