Funny Quotes

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

~ Josh Stern

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

~ Josh Stern

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

~ Josh Stern

There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.

~ James Patterson

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst, he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

~ Andrew Sturm

Werewolves and silver bullets!” Shakespeare coughed a quick laugh and shook his head. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!

~ Michael Scott

By the power of the Tri-Force, I command you to -------

~ Prashna Bari

I almost forgot to tell you - you have the right to remain silent, but if you do, my boys at the station will process your bones to help you confess.

~ Rohinton Mistry

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I forgot for a second that he was my ancestral enemy, and felt bad for him; then i consoled myself that bird poop brings good luck

~ Rob Reger

Why wasn't I already kissing this woman? Why wasn't I naked, eating violets, and playing music underneath the open sky?Looking around the room again, everything seemed terribly ridiculous. These people sitting on their benches wearing layers on layers of clothing, eating with knives and forks. It all struck me as so pointless and contrived. It was incredibly funny. It was like they were playing a game and didn't even realize it. It was like a joke I'd never understood before.

~ Patrick Rothfuss

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

~ Olivia Cunning

The pimple is perfect.

~ Buffy Andrews

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.

~ Buffy Andrews

I’ll pray for good semen. And I’ll get all of my friends to pray for good semen.

~ Buffy Andrews

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

~ Buffy Andrews

I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they'd like me quickly and wouldn't try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as wisecracking Cameron, the orphan. Maybe it was a little like flirting, but also a kind of protection: Don't get too close; I'm just jokes with substance.

~ Emily M. Danforth

Their faces were clay-coloured and featureless, yet not stupid; they might have been shrewd turnips.

~ Rebecca West

Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.

~ Barbara Ehrenreich

Little tape recorders, that's what kids are, Cat thought. If you want to find out what your husband is saying behind your back, play Barbie with your daughter.

~ Jan Strnad

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

~ Eoin Colfer

everything is negotiable. everything.

~ Kay M. Rutherford

You’re nasty and you’re loud,you’re mean enough for two,If I could be a cloud,I’d rain all day on you.

~ Jack Prelutsky

Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

~ Christopher Andersen

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

~ Darynda Jones

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.

~ Carol Petrie

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

~ Peter Debye

I sort of fell.Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

~ Rick Riordan

My two greatest loves were, of course, Daphne and Hyacinthus, but when you're a god as popular as

~ Rick Riordan

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

~ Scott Westerfeld

Just another part of that Spartan killer instinct. I can slay the ladies just as well as I can reapers.

~ Jennifer Estep

People who talk too much are tiresome, especially those who are not informative, thought-provoking, or funny.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

I never knew anyone actually buy cakes when they were hot ...

~ Ruth Rendell

The whole universe is like some big FedEx box.

~ Haruki Murakami

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee.

~ Brandon Sanderson

She was convinced the country was about to succumb to revolutionary socialism. Her own circumstances encouraged this belief: just on the edge of the really rich country set, she shared their views and opinions but lacked the financial and architechtural insulation from real or imagined political troubles. She found crushed larger cans and cigarette packets in her front garden and interpreted these as menacing signals from the Perthshire proletariat. Every flicker and dim of electric light was a portent of class war.

~ James Robertson

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other official spokesmen for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends....

~ Hunter S. Thompson

I ask again, and I want a better answer, WHAT are you!” He demanded.“I told you before, a human rises with the sun, but I rise with the moon. I am a mere immortal soul that feasts on your fears and flesh.”“Why won’t you answer my question correctly!

~ Miranda Leek

Python opened his eyes. What do you want?To sing you songs about my awesomeness!Oh, please. Just kill me now.Okay! Apollo drew his bow and shot the snake between the eyes. Then he sang a song about his awesomeness.

~ Rick Riordan