Humor Quotes

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

~ Lemony Snicket

There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared.

~ Pittacus Lore

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. I doubt you have the capacity.

~ Rachel Caine

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie. And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

~ George Bernard Shaw

I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …Are you laughing at me?”“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get soexcited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already.

~ Cassandra Clare

Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows.

~ James Dashner

There's a Polar BearIn our Frigidaire--He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.With his seat in the meatAnd his face in the fishAnd his big hairy pawsIn the buttery dish,He's nibbling the noodles,And munching the rice,He's slurping the soda,He's licking the ice.And he lets out a roarIf you open the door.And it gives me a scareTo know he's in there--That Polary BearIn our Fridgitydaire.

~ Shel Silverstein

Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?

~ Tom Upton

He leaned forward to inspect her closer. Is that all hair?... Sudden, overwhelming panic clawed up Cress's throat. With a squeak, she ducked out of view of the camera and scrambled beneath the desk. Her back struck the wall with a thud that rattled her teeth. She crouched there, skin burning hot and pulse thundering as she took in the room before her— the room that he was now seeing too, with the rumpled bedcovers and the mustached man on all the screens telling her to grab her imaginary partner and swing them around.Wha—where'd she go? Thorne's voice came to her through the screen.Honestly, Thorne. A girl. Linh Cinder? Do you ever think before you speak?What? What did I say? 'Is that all hair?' Did you see it? It was like a cross between a magpie nest and ball of yarn after it's been mauled by a cheetah.A beat. Then, A cheetah?It was the first big cat that came to mind.

~ Marissa Meyer

Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.

~ J.d. Robb

Tyler lies back and asks, If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over

~ Eoin Colfer

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – Plumbers? – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.

~ J.k. Rowling

A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.

~ Brian Andreas

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

~ Bauvard

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

~ Ambrose Bierce

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

~ Mark Twain

Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

Computers are like Old Testament gods, lots of rules and no mercy.

~ Joseph Campbell

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

~ Kresley Cole

Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.

~ Lyn Key

How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.

~ Terry Pratchett

I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.

~ Marjane Satrapi

Izzy, are you—” he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. “What is he doing here?”Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. “You don’t knock now?”“It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position. Simon rolled quickly off Isabelle, who sat up, brushing herself off as if for lint. Simon sat up more slowly, trying to hold the torn edges of his shirt together. “Why are all my clothes on the floor?” Alec said.“I was trying to find something for Simon to wear,” Isabelle explained. “Maureen put him in leather pants and a puffy shirt because he was being her romance-novel slave.”“He was being her what?”“Her romance-novel slave,” Isabelle repeated, as if Alec were being particularly dense.Alec shook his head as if he were having a bad dream. “You know what? Don’t explain. Just—put your clothes on, both of you.

~ Cassandra Clare

I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.

~ Graham Parke

As we all know, blinking lights means science.

~ Joss Whedon

With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled Females and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.

~ Loretta Chase

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

~ P.c. Cast

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

~ Ambrose Bierce

I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?

~ William Goldman

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

~ Bill Watterson

Merlin’s beard.

~ J.k. Rowling

That's ridiculous. Especially the part about Christian being manly.

~ Richelle Mead

I can't give a Professor love!

~ J.k. Rowling

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? Well, it's God's will. Thy Will Be Done. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

~ George Carlin

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

~ Dave Barry

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

~ Ogden Nash

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

~ Nelson Demille