Humor Quotes

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others.

~ Gayle Forman

Don't you see Blaynie. Mitch put his arm around her shoulders. You're like an illegitimate little sister that I never wanted.

~ Shelly Laurenston

Charlotte: It’s too bad they don’t give out diplomas for what you learn at the mall, because I could graduate with honors in that subject. No really. Since I’ve worked there, I’ve become an expert on all things shopping-related. For example, I can tell you right off who to distrust at the mall:1) Skinny people who work at Cinnabon. I mean, if they’re not eating the stuff they sell, how good can it be?2) The salesladies at department store makeup counters. No matter what they tell you, buying all that lip gloss will not make you look like the pouty models in the store posters.3) And most importantly—my best friend’s boyfriend, Bryant, who showed up at the food court with a mysterious blonde draped on his arm.

~ Janette Rallison

Hunky Heroes, rescuing distressed women, captive princesses, and girls without wheels since 1684. p. 450

~ Lauren Oliver

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

~ Terry Pratchett

I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back.You're kidding, right?He shrugged. You have no proof either.She squinted back at him. Were you planning on giving it back?Maybe.An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.

~ Marissa Meyer

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.

~ Lish Mcbride

You know,” she said dreamily, passing over his question, “you’re not nearly as handsome as Lord St.Vincent.”“There’s a surprise,” he said dryly.“But for some reason,” she continued, “I never want to kiss him the way I do you.” It was a good thing that she had closed her eyes, for if she had seen his expression, she might not have continued. “There is something about you that makes me feel terribly wicked. You make me want to do shocking things. Maybe it’s because you’re so proper. Your necktie is never crooked, and your shoes are always shiny. And your shirts are so starchy. Sometimes when I look at you, I want to tear off all your buttons. Or set your trousers on fire.

~ Lisa Kleypas

We scarified a mosquito. I bet that's what did it. It was probably a virgin too.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

~ John Green

Then there were the shabti, magical figurines that were supposed to come to life when summoned. A few months ago, I’d fallen for a girl named Zia Rashid, who’d turned out to be a shabti. Falling in love for the first time had been hard enough. But when the girl you like turns out to be ceramic and cracks to pieces before your eyes—well, it gives “breaking your heart” a new meaning.

~ Rick Riordan

Kitty need's a tounge bath

~ Jeaniene Frost

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

~ Chuck Klosterman

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

~ Stephen King

Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth moving as he hummed, Jenks finished unpacking the sacks. I was half dead, Ivy was whoring herself to keep me safe, but Jenks was okay as long as he had chocolate.

~ Kim Harrison

Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn't she look exactly like Cher?'Wow, that's insane. She does look just like young Cher,' Erin said.Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell's up with that?' Shaunee said.Damien gave the Twins a look. 'There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.'Uh-oh,' Shaunee said.Stepped on a gay nerve,' Erin agreed.

~ P.c. Cast

Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

~ Rick Riordan

Are you okay? You seem ...soggy.Soggy?Yes. Heather nodded. Like you're a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

~ Chelsea Fine

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind, it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.

~ William James

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.

~ Chris Kyle

– and pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out. But pompous fools – guys who are fools and covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus – THAT, I CANNOT STAND! An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible!

~ Richard Feynman

Well, Mr. Frankel, who started this program, began to suffer from the computer disease that anybody who works with computers now knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is you *play* with them. They are so wonderful. You have these switches - if it's an even number you do this, if it's an odd number you do that - and pretty soon you can do more and more elaborate things if you are clever enough, on one machine.After a while the whole system broke down. Frankel wasn't paying any attention; he wasn't supervising anybody. The system was going very, very slowly - while he was sitting in a room figuring out how to make one tabulator automatically print arc-tangent X, and then it would start and it would print columns and then bitsi, bitsi, bitsi, and calculate the arc-tangent automatically by integrating as it went along and make a whole table in one operation.Absolutely useless. We *had* tables of arc-tangents. But if you've ever worked with computers, you understand the disease - the *delight* in being able to see how much you can do. But he got the disease for the first time, the poor fellow who invented the thing.

~ Richard Feynman

How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful?

~ Jillian Dodd

Have you met the French? My...GOD they know how to party!

~ Steven Moffat

Am I still married to a cat? (Adrian)

~ Richelle Mead

Hey! Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. No man left behind.Nick scoffed. This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

How poor are they that have no patients! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?'Shakespeare isn't going to save you this time, Superman. Your time's run out.!

~ Colleen Houck

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck.-The Chief

~ Hunter S. Thompson

Hate. Huh. He'd never hated himself. If anything, he'd always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn't denied it, either, and next time he'd slept with her, he'd made sure to scream, Strider at the pivotal moment. --Strider, keeper of the demon of Defeat--

~ Gena Showalter

I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.

~ Jim Butcher

Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?

~ Jim Butcher

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

~ Stieg Larsson

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?

~ Terry Pratchett

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

~ Ilona Andrews

Sunshine, I... Starla's voice broke off as she entered the room and caught sight of him standing naked in the corner. She eyed him in an odd, detached way, as if he were an interesting piece of furniture.Talon and modesty were strangers, but the way she stared at him made him damned uncomfortable. In spite of the sunlight, Talon grabbed the pink blanket off the bed and clutched it to his middle.You know, Sunshine, you need to find a man like that to marry. Someone so well hung that even after three or four kids, he'd still be wall to wall.Talon gaped.Sunshine laughed. Starla, you're embarrassing him.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.

~ Dorothy Parker

He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).

~ Rick Riordan

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, I wish I had known this some time ago.

~ Roger Zelazny