Humour Quotes

We were full of righteous anger and dreams of vengeance when we got here, and a couple of blowjobs and hangovers later it's like nothing ever happened

~ James S.a. Corey

Believe me, Dirk; I've been in this game a long time and I know what I'm talking about. I've seen it all; wife swapping during a coach tour of Norfolk churches, orgies at a pensioners' whist drive in Somerset; a mystery weekend where the real mystery turned out to be, what was Mr Preston doing hanging upside down in the wardrobe with an apple in his mouth.

~ Stuart Bone

The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!'A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.

~ Rick Riordan

What do you mean Ronan's a magical entity? Is he a demon? Because this all makes sense if so.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.

~ Veronica Rossi

4:15. Not 4 not 4:30 but 4:15. She thought to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours.

~ Muriel Spark

Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little bit farther out of your ass.

~ Scott Lynch

Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula?

~ Christopher Hitchens

Seuls les poissons morts suivent le courant' - Only dead fish follow the current

~ Mike Bodnar

I have never met a politician who has exceeded my low expectations of them.

~ Grant Mclachlan

What did the soup say to the tea plate? You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into! I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

But then he put aside the awkward encounter, which his mind allowed him to do quite easily. He could compartmentalize at an astonishing level. It came from not giving a shit.

~ David Baldacci

Right,” Thatcher said, “let’s have a look at her.”Katherine hesitated. The kitten was fast asleep in her arms and she was afraid to wake her. “Something amiss?” Thatcher asked.Katherine giggled at her capricious emotions and shoved the kitten into the surgeon’s arms. The animal woke up as Thatcher examined it. He set the kitten on the deck and watched as she wobbled around on clumsy paws. “Yes,” Thatcher nodded conclusively. “This is indeed a cat.

~ Matt Tomerlin

What’s gotten into you?” he wondered, blinking in sudden frustration.“Not you, that’s for a certainty.

~ Matt Tomerlin

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.

~ Peter James West

No one has the ability to laugh at their misfortunes like the women of the East End.

~ Philip Ridley

You will try to improve me, Captain, but I tell you it cannot be done. I am resigned to moral apathy and corporeal decrepitude, and have done with projections. No, Captain,” with a pining sigh, “I think I will simply sit in the shade and wait for either a customer or death, the latter I might prefer, at such a point.

~ Michelle Franklin

The prerequisite for a banker is Strait As and no talent.

~ Grant Mclachlan

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.”“Well, they were never good-looking lads.

~ Luggs

Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.

~ Luggs

I saved a man's life once,' said Granny. 'Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest.'She patted Esk's hand as nicely as possible. 'You're a bit young for this,' she said, 'but as you grow older you'll find most people don't set foot outside their own heads much.

~ Terry Pratchett

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

~ Peter Houston

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Her hair was matted to her head, glistening dark red, like wine through a murky bottle. Her torn shirt hung loose, a breast carelessly exposed, and her breeches were taut against the lean muscles of her legs. She treaded through the waves, never swaying in the current, until she stood before him, face concealed in shadow. “You swim faster with one arm than I with two,” she said.Nathan laughed. “You frightened me.

~ Matt Tomerlin

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

~ Leah Thomas

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.

~ Leah Thomas

You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.

~ Bryce Main

I’m subject to occasional theological nightmares. The one that leaves me in a cold sweat every time is, I arrive at the pearly gates and the first thing I’m asked is where I went to college.

~ Mark Vonnegut

To steel yourself against mangoes showed a degree of iciness that was almost inhuman.

~ Vikram Seth

Ah, if only we were born roaring with laughter and took that emotional template through life with us! Whoever's in charge seriously messed up somewhere. I can only hope that right now, that selfsame Whoever is wryly relating their cock-up to some celestial colleague, who responds: 'Hey, you should put that in a book. LOL!

~ Steve Cole

Soroya:“Where are we going? I need to know what to wear.”Graham: “Wear whatever you’re wearing right now.”I looked down. Soraya: “A hot pink lace bra and G-string? Where are you taking me, a strip club?

~ Vi Kieland Penelope Ward

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

~ Neel Burton

Zilpah had little use for men, whom she described as hairy, crude, and half human. Women needed men to make babies and to move heavy objects, but otherwise she didn't understand their purpose, much less appreciate their charms.

~ Anita Diamant

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drown in a book. Whatever works.

~ Roney Ngala

it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.

~ Anoop Raghav

If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?

~ Peter James West

They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.

~ Nancy A. Collins

And she gave him a melting smile, the glutinous sweetness of which he devoured with the avidity of a diabetic who swallows a fatal spoonful of jam.

~ John Collier

Consider the simple hedgehog, and his neighbor, the opossum...do they waste their energy trying to throw one another into chasms when they face a common enemy, the winter? No!

~ Ransom Riggs

Turning things over and over in isolation had led me to a certain point, but I knew that to get any further I'd have to voice some ideas aloud, just to see how they sounded. But I certainly didn't go to Ellie expecting any kind of constructive input on her part. It was more that I'd hit a wall and needed someone to talk around the subject with - like when you come up against a problem that's just immune to normal logic.

~ Gavin Extence