Satire Quotes

There are so many problems to solve on this planet first before we begin to trash other worlds.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Some people in orthodox churches in Africa take poverty as a path that leads to heaven, making christianity look unattractive.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late; and I know very well the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, that it is with writers as with wells; a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there; and often, when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and half under ground, it shall pass however for wondrous deep, upon no wiser a reason than because it is wondrous dark.

~ Jonathan Swift

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you'll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

~ S.c. Barrus

Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.

~ David Wong

You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can't understand it.

~ Malcolm Bradbury

Man is an artifact designed for space travel. He is not designed to remain in his present biologic state any more than a tadpole is designed to remain a tadpole.

~ William S. Burroughs

Uh, excuse me, sir, I, uh, don't known how to uh, to uh, tell you this, but you were three minutes late. The schedule is a little, uh, bit off.He grinned sheepishly.That's ridiculous! murmured the Ticktockman behind his mask. Check your watch. And then he went into his office, going mrmee, mrmee, mrmee, mrmee.

~ Harlan Ellison

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around.

~ Scott B. Pruden

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

~ Scott B. Pruden

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

~ Scott B. Pruden

And so the result of several years of Everybody Shareskyism, other than slaughtering people, is for everybody to stand around and stare blankly at each other.

~ Lao She

Perhaps the god who had made the Cat People intended them as a joke. They had schools, but no education; politicians but no government; people, but no personal integrity; faces, but no concept of face. One had to admit that their god had gone a little too far with his little joke.

~ Lao She

The birthing wolf,Her heart fed with tenderness,Gave forth from ripe brown nipples,Food to feed the universe.

~ Roman Payne

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck,so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

~ Michelle Hartman

My fiancé immediately began to look uncomfortable, but did not voice this discomfort except by a soft gurgling sound in the throat . . . The gurgling escalated, but my mother politely switched on the dishwasher, and soon we heard mostly the sound of machinery rather than that of a person's feelings surfacing.

~ Alexandra Kleeman

An assumption is the joke, truth the punchline.

~ Criss Jami

Satire is enjoyable compensation for being forced to think.

~ Edgar Johnson

Love turns, with little indulgence, to indifference or disgust: hatred alone is immortal.

~ William Hazlitt

Never so sure our rapture to createAs when it touch'd the brink of all we hate.

~ William Hazlitt

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.

~ Stephen Colbert

But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.

~ Terry Pratchett

Thou shalt have one God only; whoWould be at the expense of two?No graven images may beWorshipped, except the currency:Swear not at all; for, for thy curseThine enemy is none the worse:At church on Sunday to attendWill serve to keep the world thy friend:Honour thy parents; that is allFrom whom advancement may befall:Thou shalt not kill; but need'st not striveOfficiously to keep alive:Do not adultery commit;Advantage rarely comes of it:Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,When it's so lucrative to cheat:Bear not false witness; let the lieHave time on its own wings to fly:Thou shalt not covet, but traditionApproves all forms of competition.

~ Arthur Hugh Clough

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

~ Sol Luckman

Let me put it this way. Canada is not so much a country as a holding tank filled with the disgruntled progeny of defeated peoples.

~ Mordecai Richler

I tell lies somewhere else, but not here, not in front of myself.

~ Robert Walser

It is woven with the most powerful paradoxes in the Nine Worlds - Wi-Fi with no lag, a politician's sincerity, a printer that prints, healthy deep fried food, and an interesting grammar lecture!''Okay, yeah,' I admitted. 'Those things don't exist.

~ Rick Riordan

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

~ Stephen Colbert

A fig for those by law protected!Liberty's a glorious feast!Courts for cowards were erected,Churches built to please the priest!

~ Robert Burns

Yea” might be turned into “Nay” and vice versa if a sufficient quantity of wordage was applied to the matter. The second was that in any argument, the victor is always right, and the third that though the pen is mightier than the sword, the sword speaks louder and stronger at any given moment.- Roger Fenwick, Duke of Grand Fenwick

~ Leonard Wibberley

...they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve, and if you do, you never get the results you expected.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

General assumptions often lead to erroneous conclusions, but one cannot go far wrong in always assuming that whatever one's government is saying is a lie.

~ Michelle Templet

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

~ Stephen Colbert

Dumbfounded, I stood before the court, trying to figure out if there was a state of being between “guilty” and “innocent.” Why were those my only alternatives? I thought. Why couldn’t I be “neither” or “both”? After a long pause, I finally faced the bench and said, “Your Honor, I plead human.

~ Paul Beatty

Well-lit streets discourage sin, but don't overdo it.

~ William Kennedy

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

~ Stephen Colbert

Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple.

~ Terry Pratchett

And evolution wasn't even properly invented until the late 1800s. Is that enough time to get a Labrador retriever from a dire wolf? I think not.

~ Bobby Henderson

His joy was a release of Paul's conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of not taking himself or his adversaries too seriously.

~ John Charles Pollock