Comedy Quotes

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

~ Carla H. Krueger

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere with him – a handbook of the most widely contravened banking rules. He works humourlessly (on the surface of it) in a private, perfectly square office on the third floor of a restored grain exchange midway along the Eastern flank of Květniv’s busy, modern central plaza. Behind his oblong slate desk and black leather swivel chair is an intimidating, three-storey wall made almost entirely of bevelled, glare-reducing grey glass in art-deco style; one hundred and thirty six rectangles of gleam stacked together in a dangerously heavy collage.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

~ Carla H. Krueger

...teaching is, after all, a form of show business.

~ Steve Martin

If you do finish the book and are still scared of me and people of my ilk, then I recommend you schedule an appointment with a therapist. Either that, or try writing your own book

~ Maz Jobrani

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

~ Dick Gregory

To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn't what he expected. He wished he'd paid more attention to the story.

~ Sarah Addison Allen

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.

~ Patrick Bateman

At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt, as it were, in style.

~ Sorin Suciu

Dostoyevsky described hell as perhaps nothing more than a room with a chair in it. This room has several chairs. A young man sits in one.

~ Bruce Robinson

Hell is so bloody thing, but with Lucifer from Lucifer series, hell is like comedy.

~ Deyth Banger

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn't an option anymore.

~ T.a. Miles

...you're either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church.

~ Dave Matthes

Olive was way beyond hearing anything, but her chin was set and she was determined to help the pilot so that he would not be too afraid before they hit the earth. She smiled and nodded again. At the end of each stunt he looked back, and each time she encouraged him. Afterward he said over and over, She's the goddamest woman I ever saw. I tore up the rule book and she wanted more. Good Christ, what a pilot she would have made!

~ John Steinbeck

Can I speak to Sayvyer, please?”“You’re looking for the savior? At 1:15 a.m.?”“No. her name’s Sayvyer.”“There’s no savior here. Especially not at 1:15 a.m.

~ Zack Love

Debbie Downer was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.

~ Amy Poehler

Ask not what your Joe Montaperto can do for you, but rather what YOU can do for your Joe Montaperto.

~ Joe Montaperto

Going to the seaside in winter is like seeing your partner first thing in the morning. Ugly, depressing and troubled by wind.

~ Andy Leeks

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

~ Criss Jami

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

~ William Shakespeare

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

~ Frank Zappa

Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.(Applaud, my friends, the comedy is

~ Ludwig Van Beethoven

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

~ Graham Chapman

Ash nodded. “Look for Oberon or Mab,” he said grimly, scanning the battlefield. “They’ll likely be on opposite sides of the river. Try not to engage anything, Goodfellow. We don’t want a fight — we just want to get the scepter to the queen.”“Don’t kid yourself, Prince.” Puck grinned and drew his daggers, pointing to Ash with the tip. “You’re a traitor, Meghan’s the Summer princess, and I’m Robin Goodfellow. I’m sure the ranks of Unseelie will just let us waltz right through.

~ Julie Kagawa

And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too,' he added thoughtfully. 'We'll be needing a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.... Dear me, we do seem to run through them, don't we?

~ J.k. Rowling

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy.

~ Arthur Schopenhauer

I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.

~ Amelia Atwater-Rhodes

Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats.Dead cats?You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide.Feline genocide?Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just- Walter suddenly stopped.What's wrong? Ashley asked.Walter stared straight ahead. I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference. ~Walter~

~ Bryan Davis

Are you all right?” he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she’d been hurt. “I heard a woman scream.”“Ah, that would have been me,” Sebastian said.Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. “You made that noise?”“It hurt,” Sebastian bit off.Harry fought not to laugh. “You scream like a leettle girl.

~ Julia Quinn

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

~ Brandon Mull

I fart in your general direction.

~ Graham Chapman

But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age.I thought you liked redheads.I do. What's your point?

~ Christopher Moore

He squinted at me. What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

~ Janet Evanovich

Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!

~ Jeff Kinney

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

~ Jon Stewart

It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

~ Hillary Depiano

He looked like every glossy frat boy in every nerd movie ever made, like every popular town boy who’d ever looked right through her in high school, like every rotten rich kid who’d ever belonged where she hadn’t.My mama warned me about guys like you.He turned to her as if he’d heard her and took off his sunglasses, and she went down the steps to meet him, wiping her sweaty palms on her dust-smeared khaki shorts. “Hi, I’m Sophie Dempsey,” she said, flashing the Dempsey gotta-love-me grin as she held out her hot, grimy hand, and after a moment he took it.His hand was clean and cool and dry, and her heart pounded harder as she looked into his remote, gray eyes.“Hello, Sophie Dempsey,” her worst nightmare said. “Welcome to Temptation.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

~ Bill Hicks