Comedy Quotes

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

~ Carla H. Krueger

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll-Kaname KuranI DONT WANT IT!-Zero KiryuHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Juri Elizabeth Marin

~ Matsuri Hino

I'm so out of shape I take steroids just to watch sports.

~ Randy Kagan

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

~ Kristen Ashley

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

~ Anonymous

I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.

~ Randy Kagan

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

~ Randy Kagan

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

~ H.m. Ward

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, Not as scary as the boogie woman.

~ Randy Kagan

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

~ Sol Luckman

You don’t have to want to be in arelationship for a little bow-chicka-bow-wow.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay--this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny.

~ George Saunders

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

~ Sol Luckman

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

~ Alan Partridge

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

~ John Branyan

He had a body that begged to be painted…with chocolate.

~ L.g.a. Mcintyre

Aye lass,” nodded Gizurr, “you are quite the beauty for sure. I’d certainly offer to buy you a beer or two if I ever met you in a pub and that’s a fact.”Ragni tutted and elbowed Gizurr in the ribs, “Have some respect, she looks young enough to be your daughter.”“Well she isn’t is she?” snorted Gizurr, “She’s been trapped here for over two thousand years, made to think that she’s an ugly old bird and fooled by some arse wipe into protecting a lump of rock that is perfectly capable of looking after itself.”Ragni pursed his lips and nodded slowly in agreement.

~ Jake Adler

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

Comedy, of course, lives for serious moments.

~ Glen Duncan

She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.

~ Sandra Hill

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

~ Woody Allen

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

I try to never miss the Zumba class since I believe comedy is a great way to start your week....It was great fun, although I had to hold myself back from turning it into a giant mosh pit slam dance. Last time I did that they kicked me out for a month. Today I enjoyed watching an 80 year old lady - with a cane no less - shimmy, her boobs flying like weapons around her waist.

~ Debra Dunbar

Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.

~ Aristophanes

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.

~ Heather Hill

Was that tragedy? Or was that comedy? Was there really any difference?

~ Orson Scott Card

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

~ Josh Stern

You two have just reached the level of annoyingly cute.

~ Jamie Mcguire

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

~ Josh Stern

Percy, you are dismissed from my service.Me? Why, my lord?Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed. Oh, I see. And as for you, Baldrick... Yes. You're out, too.

~ Richard Curtis

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

~ Sol Luckman

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.

~ Richard Curtis

I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!

~ Richard Curtis

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.

~ Chuck Lorre

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

~ St. John Morris

Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s also the owner of the world’s largest collection of tenor geese.

~ St. John Morris

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.

~ St. John Morris

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

~ St. John Morris