Funny Quotes

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.

~ Cassandra Clare

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

~ Holly Black

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

~ Steven Wright

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.Gideon Wyeth:Why?Ethan: Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

~ Orson Scott Card

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

~ John Green

Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

~ Rachel Caine

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

~ William Shakespeare

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers we get Aquatruck.

~ Cassandra Clare

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

~ Richelle Mead

How long have you been standing there?Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.He deserved it.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

~ Jon Stewart

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

~ Groucho Marx

Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much. Dick. That's not what you said last night.Bite me.

~ Rachel Caine

Your mail could've waited. Daemon followed me into the kitchen. What is it? Just books?Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

~ Harry Styles

Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.

~ Gayle Forman

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

~ Rachel Vincent

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

~ Bertrand Russell

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

~ Dave Barry

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

~ Lewis Carroll

Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon.Daemon's grin went up a notch. Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord. Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

~ Terry Pratchett

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

~ Gerard Way

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

~ Johnny Depp

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

~ William Faulkner

I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something.Daemon waggled his brows. You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--Shut up. I shook my head and started walking.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care.

~ Kiera Cass

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

~ Douglas Adams

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

~ Derek Landy

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

~ J.k. Rowling

She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.

~ Ilona Andrews

Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping that you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.” “I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.” “None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow. “How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared it to gazing at the radiance of the sun.” Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.

~ Cassandra Clare

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

~ Richelle Mead

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

~ Rick Riordan