Funny Quotes

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

~ Molly Harper

And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.

~ Jackie Kessler

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.

~ Seth Grahame-Smith

June cackled with delight, muttering, Whoops! as a car almost killed them.

~ Rick Riordan

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

~ Cassandra Clare

Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.

~ Kresley Cole

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

~ William Shakespeare

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

~ Bauvard

Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.'Saved the kids' he said.'Temporarily' I pointed out.'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing.

~ John Green

I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.

~ Jamie Mcguire

She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche.

~ Larissa Ione

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.

~ Jim Benton

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

~ Criss Jami

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

~ Michael Grant

Objection! Metz shouts.Grounds? the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

~ Jodi Picoult

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

~ Carroll Bryant

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?I care Simon said gloomily. Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

~ Cassandra Clare

My tiny scary friend is coming

~ Laini Taylor

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

~ Sherman Alexie

Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.

~ Gena Showalter

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

~ Criss Jami

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.

~ Hanna Lui

Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.

~ Lauren Barnholdt

I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.

~ Hugh Laurie

That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!

~ Hilary Duff

I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real. -GregoriStuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?

~ Kerrelyn Sparks

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

~ Nancy Springer

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

~ Bauvard

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

~ Steven Wright

Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.

~ Lara Deloza

Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it.

~ T. Kingfisher

The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.

~ Richelle Mead

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

~ Bauvard

It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!

~ Pewdiepie

Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.

~ Rick Riordan

I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.

~ Cassandra Clare

Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic?

~ Nick Hornby

A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

~ Cuthbert Soup