Funny Quotes

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

~ Bauvard

Why...do you find this...distracting?

~ Suzanne Collins

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

~ Bauvard

Nero, we need to talk. Chloe will not get off my ass. I told her,” Amo looked right at Chloe in the eyes, “to walk beside me, but she refuses to even say a word to me.”　　“T-that’s how I walk!” Chloe blurted.　　Elle started laughing; it was too hard not to.　　“Oh, now you can talk because Elle’s around.” Elle only laughed harder. I blame you!” He pointed at Elle.

~ Sarah Brianne

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.

~ Russell Brand

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

~ Darynda Jones

I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.

~ John Green

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

~ Bauvard

What's a slut? I ask him.A girl who puts out too easily.Puts out what? I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that.Puts out, you know... His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. Sex.I wonder where Greer puts the sex out.

~ Rachel Cohn

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

~ James Hetfield

People keep asking Jacob or Edward? when the really important question is Diamond Dave or Sammy?

~ Ysabeau S. Wilce

Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick's snap-on one piece, or onesie as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which were so tight they must have been cutting off his circulation. The collared neck hung between his legs like an udder. Up top, Patrick's head stuck out through the unsnapped crotch, and his arms were lost somewhere in the billowing pant legs. It was quite a look.

~ John Grogan

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

~ Darynda Jones

I'd sold my soul to get out of detention.

~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

~ Bauvard

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

~ Molly Harper

I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .”“Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly.“No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . .

~ J.k. Rowling

What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family.

~ Rick Riordan

Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).

~ John D. Rhodes

I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?

~ Libba Bray

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.

~ Rick Riordan

Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek.Travis: You are a geek.

~ Rick Riordan

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

~ Anne Carson

The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.

~ Neil Pasricha

Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator.....I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpfulMarie pursed her lips and humor danced in her eyes.It says you would like to have sex with me. I don't think that is correctOh, for Christ sake Eve slammed a fist against the machine.....

~ J.d. Robb

My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.

~ Tina Fey

He stood and inhaled, then walked a few more feet, stooped, and prodded a chunk of rabbit fur.“I’m definitely thinking something with more body parts,” I said. “Like a head.”He gave a snort of a laugh. “It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Colin : “Perhaps now is the time to tell you that I have a weakness for agreeable women.”Sugar Beth : “Well, that sure does leave me out.”Colin : “Exactly. With agreeable women, I’m unendingly considerate. Gallant even.”Sugar Beth : “But with tarts like me, the gloves are off, is that it?”Colin : “I wouldn’t exactly call you a tart. But then, I tend to be broad-minded.”She suppressed the urge to dump her porridge in his lap.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

~ S.a. Bodeen

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

~ Chelsea Handler

She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. You're lost! You're angry! You're in the wrong school! You're in the wrong country! You're on the wrong planet!

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

~ Chelsea Handler

[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby...Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she held him and cooed. When the parents turned around to look at her and saw their child holding a furry, living creature, they needlessly panicked.

~ Obert Skye

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

~ Victor Borge

Hermits have no peer pressure.

~ Steven Wright

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.

~ Tera Lynn Childs

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

~ Molly Harper