Funny Quotes

Nothing says deeply in mourning like canapés and free beer.

~ Mira Grant

If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side

~ Christina Dodd

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.

~ John Hodgman

He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...

~ Alex Flinn

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

~ Wes Locher

Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory

~ Daniel Waters

I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets

~ Simon Holt

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom,It helps not, it prevails not.

~ William Shakespeare

She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.

~ Jodi Picoult

It was safe to assume he'd not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy

~ Simon Holt

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em!

~ Alex Sanchez

The doorbell rang, making me and Roland jump. Nikolas opened the door to admit Chris whose good-natured smile did not falter even when he saw our grim faces. Then he saw Remy. I didn’t think I had ever seen someone’s eyes go that round before. Roland shoved a glass of Nate’s whiskey into Chris’s hand while Nikolas brought him up to speed on all he had missed.

~ Karen Lynch

The Princess BrideS. Morgenstern'sClassic Tale of True Loveand High AdventureYou had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.

~ William Goldman

Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared.

~ John Green

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

~ Criss Jami

I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

~ Mark Twain

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.

~ Tad Williams

Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.

~ Kathy Reichs

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.

~ J.k. Rowling

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.

~ Andrew Smith

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.

~ David Wong

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

~ Molly Harper

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.

~ Gian-Carlo Rota

Get the point? I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

~ Molly Harper

I offered you a choice, and you took it.I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?

~ Molly Harper

She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.

~ Molly Harper

Jane Jameson.He grinned. Like the porn

~ Molly Harper

I reach up and pat them both on the head. Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.

~ C.j. Redwine

Would you kick her ass already? Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, She tried to hurt Fitz! He turned to Gabriel and Dick. That'll get her mad.Gabriel rolled his eyes. She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry? You tried to hurt my dog! I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.

~ Molly Harper

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.I was curious!

~ Molly Harper

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?Gabriel looked wounded. To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--That's very comforting, thank you.

~ Molly Harper

I said I was sorry, Dani... Kevin said, as they entered the apartment.I'm so not talking to you.I couldn't help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and... gawd, Dani, I couldn't help it!You just had to get us all soft pretzels, didn't you... just had to make sure we'd walk right by that lingerie store...Dani... it, uh, it hadn't even occurred to me-I hate you! When I go to therapy about this, I'm going to send you the bill!You're beautiful when your angry.Then I must be fucking gorgeous right now!You are.... Well, I'm still not talking to you.

~ Failte

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

~ Dylan Moran

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.

~ Eoin Colfer

She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.

~ Stieg Larsson

You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

~ Rachel Morgan

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

~ Claudia Gray

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.

~ Beth Fantaskey