Funny Quotes

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?

~ J.k. Rowling

Okay... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me. Kylie stopped and swerved around... Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek. Damn! Perry said, and grinned. This is gonna be better than I thought.

~ C.c. Hunter

Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.

~ Every Male Ballet Dancer

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

~ Ellen Degeneres

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

~ Hannah Harrington

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

~ Ellen Degeneres

I am who I say I am,I'm not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am a girl who knows enoughto know this life is mine.I am this and I am that andI am everything in-between.I'm a dreamer, I'm a dancer,I'm a part-time drama queen.I'm a worrier, I'm a warrior,I'm a loner and a friend,I'm an outspoken defenderof justice to the end.I'm the girl in the mirror who likes the girl she sees,I'm the girl in the gypsy shawlwith music in her knees.I'm a singer and a scholar,I'm a girl who has been kissed.I'm a solver of equationswearing bangles on my wrist.I am bigger than i ever knew,I am stronger than before,I am every girl I have ever been,and all that are in store.I am who I say I am.I'm not some fantasy.I am the me I am inside.I am whoI choseto be.

~ James Howe

Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could.Why are you flinching? the pencil woman asked.I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me.Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you.

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.Sausages.

~ Adam Rex

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.Great.

~ Ilona Andrews

And you are the girl's bitch, forever.

~ Alison Goodman

No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad.-Nastasya

~ Cate Tiernan

Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.

~ Agatha Christie

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

~ Debbie Macomber

Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing.He reached around her and fingered the soft material. Where is the rest of it? He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.

~ Christine Feehan

He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.

~ Kate Avery Ellison

...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.

~ Anne Rice

Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other.” - KatieJorlan's expression turned mocking. “Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.

~ Gena Showalter

On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down...Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board.

~ Hilary Mckay

Oh, Micheal darling!Don't call me darling, I'm a driving instructor!

~ Hilary Mckay

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off- Cruz

~ Derrolyn Anderson

I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.

~ Hannah Vandegrift

Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.

~ Brian Martinez

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows.Indigo! shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above.It's all right, Caddy! Indigo called cheerfully. We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.We keep finding more stuff to land on! added Rose. Look!

~ Hilary Mckay

If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.

~ Richard Kadrey

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.

~ Dave Courtney

Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.

~ Robert Fulghum

Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash.

~ Koushun Takami

He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop?...You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world.No way.Yes way.What about the FBI?Featherweights.The CIA?Mackintosh snorted. Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time.

~ Mac Barnett

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

~ Woody Allen

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

~ Terry Pratchett

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.

~ Richard Kadrey

I strike fear into you because I am a man?It isn't funny.I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.

~ Catherine Anderson

Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.

~ Zathyn Priest

I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover.

~ Ethan Day

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

~ Derek The Ghost

Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.

~ Brian Jacques

Remove yourself, sir!

~ David Mccullough

I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.

~ E.j. Stevens

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

~ Dave Barry