Funny Quotes

Why is she afraid? he asked. She's not Anjin-san. Just a little nervous. Please excuse her. She's never seen a foreigner close to before. Tell her when the moon's full, barbarians sprout horns and fire comes out of our mouths like dragons.

~ James Clavell

The fewer moving parts, the better. Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.

~ Christian Cantrell

When the world began, there were no such things as monsters. Demons were just fallen angels who, booted out of Heaven and bored with Hell, wandered the Earth sticking little girls’ pigtails in inkwells and sinking the occasional continent.

~ Richard Kadrey

You thought I didn’t notice the way you two looked at each other? I may be old but I’m not blind. I remember thatfeeling. The spark, the electricity... ”I had to interject before I got the unabridged version of Anjali Does Mumbai.

~ Nicola Marsh

POLONIUS My lord, the queen would speak with you, and presently.HAMLET Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?POLONIUS By th'mass, and 'tis like a camel indeed.HAMLET Methinks it is like a weasel.POLONIUS It is backed like a weasel.HAMLET Or like a whale?POLONIUS Very like a whale.HAMLET Then I will come to my mother by and by. - They fool me to the top of my bent. - I will come by and by.

~ William Shakespeare

I think guns are just a symbolic substitute for male genitalia, and I’m okay in that respect.” “Fine. If they get in the house, you can whack them with your genitals.

~ J.a. Konrath

I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed creds. That should cause a stampede of illegal aliens heading south.

~ Nelson Demille

...Come on let’s see the degree.” Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art. “Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read ” Katherine joked. “And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Good cops make their bosses look good, and Hector was a one-man beauty school.

~ Edward Conlon

Nona I don't think your allowed to smoke in here.Nona exhaled a large cloud of smoke.Nona keeps their lights on. A little smoke won't hurt them.

~ Holly Hood

Oh here's a nice one, he brown recluse spider. This once resides in wooded areas. In other words, next to my head while I'm sleeping. ' In a small number of cases, a bite from a brown recluse can produce organ damage with occasional fatalities.' That's the worst-case scenario. how can it be? It's called a 'recluse'It's been my experience that all recluses have a mean streak.

~ Yvonne Prinz

Let’s put to rest one cliché. You can sell refrigerators to Eskimos. The people of Savoonga are Yupiks, the westernmost of the Eskimo tribes, closer to Siberians than American Eskimos in their appearance, and their customs, and their distinctive, liquidly sibilant native language. And, yes, they all have refrigerators. In the winter, food gets freezer burn if left out in the elements. Eskimos need refrigerators to keep their food warm.

~ Gene Weingarten

In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it).

~ Mark Twain

Still, the painful death of that unicorn had been satisfying to watch

~ Bruce Coville

...so much has been laid on the sunset—heavy-handed metaphors, sentimental music. Everyone’s always walking into them, and that is some very intense light. Maybe that’s where the term “love is blind” comes from, because so many people are walking into sunsets, burning out their corneas.

~ Kirk Farber

What's your name, son?' Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam's age, but Sam always thought calling people 'son' immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if need be.

~ Tod Goldberg

Well, just get used to it, because you're a long ways away from Kansas, my dear. She actually started singing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow as she traipsed to the counter.

~ Holly Hood

Looking up at Max he asked, “Do you recommend anything?” He kept his eyes low and to the table, trying but failing to keep his eyes open against the bright sun light.“You okay?” Max asked, watching as Landon struggled to meet her eyes.“I’m trying not to look at you,” he replied.“I’m sorry, what?”“I mean I’m trying not to hurt my eyes.”Max crossed her arms over her chest and raised a wicked brow. Landon shielded the sun with his hand and finally made eye contact with her. “That came out wrong,” he said apologetically. “It sure did,” she said with a chuckle.

~ Shawn Kirsten Maravel

Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning.Wait, what? My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?Can I travel through time now?

~ Elizabeth Sharp

I overheard Nona talking about my little buds and how she remembered back when she was developing into a woman, and that was enough for me.

~ Holly Hood

You know, Hope is also rather interesting, there's just not two of her, Dad teased Nona

~ Holly Hood

We walked on the moon. We made footprints somewhere no one else had ever made footprints, and unless someone comes and rubs them out, those footprints will be there forever because there’s no wind.

~ Frank Cottrell Boyce

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.

~ Sherman Alexie

They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I'm flat on my stomach.

~ Charlie Cochrane

I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezeulan Rats, but in this case it does not.

~ Cuthbert Soup

Alvin smiled back, and kissed her. People talk about fools counting chickens before they hatch. That's nothing. We name them.

~ Orson Scott Card

Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix conference . . . But that isn't the craziest part of the story - oh, no, my boy, for approaching from the east was a party of itinerant watchmakers bound for the pocket-watch fair at Wimbleton . . . But not even that is the craziest part of the story! For apporaching from the south were over a hundred armourers and locksmiths on their way to Florinth, where some power-hungry prince had commissioned them to build a monstrous war machine . . . Well, that would be enough crazy coincedences for an averagely crazy story but the battle of Nurn Forest involved the most improbable coincedences in the history of Zamonia. For entering the forest, this time from the north came a delegation of alchemists.

~ Walter Moers

Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose

~ Julie Anne Peters

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.

~ Terry Pratchett

All serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the robotic approch: where your face becomes a mask and your voice a monotone, at least while the hand is being played. . . . The other is the manic method, where you affect a whole bunch of tics, twitches, and expressions, and mix them up with a river of insane babble. The idea is to overwhelm your opponents with clues, so they can't sort out what's going on. This approach can be effective, but for normal people it's hard to pull off. (If you've spent part of your life in an institution, this method may come naturally.)

~ Dan Harrington

Dana was what Steve called a silent partner in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency.

~ Mac Barnett

He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas

~ Christina Dodd

It's not just the cheerleading thing I have a problem with, it's the whole jock enchilada. I'm all for a good game of basketball in teh driveway or a killer bike ride. But when there's tackling and grunting involved-- no thanks.

~ Linda Ellerbee

There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.

~ Adam Rex

Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.

~ Eleanor Hallowell Abbott

Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.

~ Erin Jamison

What are those bulb things you're slicing?You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice.

~ Ken Jennings

Let's just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won't notice us. It's dark out anyway. Both boys knew it could just be someone from the local village but their hearts were starting to beat faster anyways. Who wound be out at this time of night? Suddenly, out from the darkness came a voice. I'll get you you mangy little.... There was the sound of something flying through the air and then a plunk as it landed somewhere nearby. Lionel winced. The voice was female.

~ Sadie Gray

On the forest floor was the LVR's smoldering ceiling panel, just lying there like the lid of a sardine can that had been eagerly and violently thrown away by someone who very much liked sardines.

~ Cuthbert Soup

First draft blues:He tested the stick and glanced at the set handbrake. With his feet he felt the accelerator, the brake, the clutch. Backwards, but otherwise just the same, and comforting in a solid, mechanical way. It even smelled right, oil, petrol, lubricated warm metal, and the polished windshield seemed transparent in the night’s silver flood.

~ J. Gunnar Grey