Humor Quotes

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.

~ Suzanne Collins

Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. I'm glad you're not a guinea pig.Me, too. I hoped my face wasn't as red as it felt.

~ Rick Riordan

Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.

~ Suzanne Collins

I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.

~ George Carlin

A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.

~ Lemony Snicket

For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

~ Lemony Snicket

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

~ Paul Mccartney

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

~ Eoin Colfer

This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.

~ Rick Riordan

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

~ Mark Twain

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

~ George Carlin

Soap?School of America in Paris he explains. SOAP.Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.

~ Stephanie Perkins

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

~ Brandon Sanderson

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

Max, you're the last of the hybrids who still has...a soul.' ... 'She doesn't have soul,' Gazzy scoffed. 'Have you ever seen her dance?

~ James Patterson

I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?

~ Neil Gaiman

I turned to Dionysus. You cured him?Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.But...you did something nice. Why?He raised and eyebrow. I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?

~ Rick Riordan

You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

~ Orson Welles

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

~ Steve Martin

Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

~ J.k. Rowling

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

~ Joss Whedon

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

~ Chelsea Handler

I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

~ Rick Riordan

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

~ Mae West

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

~ Flannery O'connor

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

~ Jane Austen

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

I said hello to the poodle.

~ Rick Riordan

Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

~ Terry Pratchett

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

~ Charlie Chaplin

Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

~ Brandon Sanderson

So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”“Don’t talk to your mother like that.

~ J.k. Rowling

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

~ Steven Wright

Well,” Tessa said, sighting along the line of the knife, “you behave as if you dislike me. In fact, you behave as if you dislike us all.”“I don’t,” Gabriel said. “I just dislike him.” He pointed at Will.“Dear me,” said Will, and he took another bite of his apple. “Is it because I’m better-looking than you?

~ Cassandra Clare

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

~ George Carlin

What are you grinning at? Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke.Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.

~ Kristin Cashore

You could start a fire with the heat between you two.You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.

~ Michelle Hodkin

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

~ David Sedaris

It unscrews the other way.

~ J.k. Rowling

I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

~ Cassandra Clare