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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind! He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Ares Frank Zhang Heroes Of Olympus Humor Mars Percy Jackson Son Of Neptune Transformation

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

~ Woody Allen

Woody Allen Existentialism Humor Uncertainty

Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Charles M. Schulz Education Humor

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Alice Roosevelt Longworth Gossip Humor Slander

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

~ Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket Humor

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, Do it again; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, Do it again to the sun; and every evening, Do it again to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

~ G.k. Chesterton

G.k. Chesterton Humor Leibniz Religion Watchmaker

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Humor

HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Apathy Boredom Cynism Ennui Humor

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

~ Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Humor Superstition

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Ellen Degeneres Humor Paradox Procrastination

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Comedy Humor Hurt Laughter Pain Tragedy

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Marcus Tullius Cicero Children Humor Times Never Change

Alas! Earwax!

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Dumbledore Humor

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

~ Socrates

Socrates Humor Teachers Teens

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Classic Insult Humor Intelligence People Stupidity

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

F. Scott Fitzgerald Humor Virtue

What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel.

~ Veronica Roth

Veronica Roth Christina Humor Tris

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

~ Joss Whedon

Joss Whedon Humor Malediction

It has often been saidthere’s so much to be read,you never can cramall those words in your head.So the writer who breedsmore words than he needsis making a chorefor the reader who reads.That's why my belief isthe briefer the brief is,the greater the sighof the reader's relief is.And that's why your bookshave such power and strength.You publish with shorth!(Shorth is better than length.)

~ Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss Humor Writing

Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor Party

The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Arthur Conan Doyle Books Humor

I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

~ John Barrowman

John Barrowman Bollywood Happiness Humor Music

You're a stalker with hooves.I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Grover Underwood Humor Percy Jackson Stalker

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Diana Wynne Jones Humor Mess Pigsty

Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.

~ Warren Ellis

Warren Ellis Character Defining Comics Humor

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

~ Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker Epitaph Humor The New Yorker

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Airports Humor Travel

Sane is boring.

~ R.a. Salvatore

R.a. Salvatore Boring Crazy Forgotten Realms Funny Humor Jarlaxle Salvatore Sane Servant Of The Shard

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Disillusionment Growing Up Humor

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

~ Stephen King

Stephen King Humor Humour Stephen King

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

~ Libba Bray

Libba Bray Blog Post Humor Insanity

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Drugs Humor

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

~ Oliver Goldsmith

Oliver Goldsmith Ask Humor Lies Questions Sarcasm Wit Witty

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Attacked Death Delaying Humor Leo The Mark Of Athena

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Humor Paradox Religion

I'm tired of this back-slappin' isn't humanity neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Humor Humour Misanthropy

How is it possible to have a civil war?

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Euphemism Funny Humor Terminology War

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

~ Rowena Cherry

Rowena Cherry Futuristic Humor Knight S Fork Romance Rowena Cherry

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

~ Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein Humor Science

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor Rose Hathaway
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