Humor Quotes

On Virtue – When people want to describe the hideousness of a person or object, they may use the phrase ‘ugly as sin’. But the phrase should be ‘ugly as virtue’. Sin isn’t ugly. It’s highly attractive! That’s why so many people flock to it.

~ Marsha Hinds

Assassins: they got sass and live on sin.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

Vanity might be a sin according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life's allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days.

~ G.m. Malliet

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

~ Stephen Colbert

Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

~ H.l. Mencken

Evolutionarily speaking, there is seldom any mystery in why we seek the goals we seek — why, for example, people would rather make love with an attractive partner than get a slap on the belly with a wet fish.

~ Steven Pinker

Man is a clothed animal, almost.

~ Ahmed Mostafa

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.

~ Matthew D. Lieberman

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites.

~ David Quammen

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

~ Jacob M. Appel

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.

~ Mark Twain

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict.

~ G.m. Jackson

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.

~ Nicole Williams

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people.

~ David Christian

Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.

~ James D. Carswell

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—

~ Molly Harper

In a well-ordered universe...camping would take place indoors.

~ Morgan Matson

Plus as she put it, Prince Eric was far too hairy and peach colored for her taste. I always thought he was pretty hott, but then again, I am a mammal.

~ Kiersten White

Finally! You're here!Uh....Do I know you?Well, no....But you're here, all the same...

~ Lynn Weingarten

‎Sarge, mr. Nurd here is threatening to turn me to jelly.really? said Sarge. what flavor?

~ John Connolly

After three years of English at Cambridge, being force-fed literary theory, I was almost convinced that literature was all coded messages about Marxism and the death of the self. I crawled out of the post-structuralist desert thirsty for heroines I could cry and laugh with. I was jaded. I craved trash.

~ Samantha Ellis

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important.

~ Amy Reed

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

~ Jay London

She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting down, and letting her glance fall naturally on a patch of earth which, if she had been in any decent narrative, should have contained the book.It didn't.

~ Terry Pratchett

I have an idea for a new book. It's a novel about a beautiful yet sensitive author whose spirit is crushed by her domineering editor. Do you like it?

~ Annie Barrows

Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up.

~ Allen Klein

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

~ Josh Stern

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts.

~ Tim Minchin

Nick leans down and kisses my eyelids. “Loving you, Zara, is a full-time job. It’s a great job, don’t get me wrong. It’s the best job in the universe. But it is not easy, because you tend to . . .”“Get hurt?” Betty suggests. “Find trouble? Pass out? Break arms?”“All of the above.” Nick laughs.My hand finds Nick’s wrist and I grab onto its thickness. “You know, I’m the patient here. Where’s the bedside manner? Where’s the sympathy?”“Zara, sympathy is just a good excuse to buy greeting cards and make sorry eyes and secretly gloat over how glad you are that you aren’t the person whose crap is hanging out there for the world to see,” Betty says.

~ Carrie Jones

its better to get hurt now than to get hurt later.

~ Mohammed Suleman Khan

While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top,spreading his laugh across the water. Laughing at the girl,at the guys, at George,at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at the pier and the bicycle rider and the service station guys and the five thousand houses and the Big Nurse and all of it. Because he knows you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy. He know's there's a painful side; he knows my thumb smarts and his girl friend has a bruised breast and the doctor is losing his glasses, but he won't let the pain blot out the humor no more'n he'll let the humor blot out the pain.

~ Ken Kesey

Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.

~ William Shakespeare

Your patient has become humble; have you drawn his attention to the fact? All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is specially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, 'By jove! I'm being humble!', and almost immediately pride—pride at his own humility—will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt—and so on, through as many stages a you please. But don't try this too long, for fear you may awake his sense of humour and proportion, in which case he will merely laugh at you and go to bed.

~ C.s. Lewis

JFK to RFK: To survive in politics, you sometimes have to be willing to make fun of yourself.

~ Robert Dallek

People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with ‘welcome’ written on it.

~ Andy Partridge

His joy was a release of Paul's conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of not taking himself or his adversaries too seriously.

~ John Charles Pollock

Plimpton was a presence. He looked for ways in which he could make himself ridiculous. That made him a great storyteller.

~ Stefan Fatsis

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Then you do not belong here. Death holds no sweetness in this house. We are not warriors, nor soldiers, nor swaggering bravos puffed up with pride. We do not kill to serve some lord, to fatten our purses, to stroke our vanity. We never give the gift to please ourselves. Nor do we choose the ones we kill. We are but servants of the God of Many Faces.Valar dohaeris. All men must serve.You know the words, but you are too proud to serve. A servant must be humble and obedient.I obey. I can be humbler than anyone.That made him chuckle. You will be the very goddess of humility, I am sure. But can you pay the price?What price?The price is you. The price is all you have and all you ever hope to have. We took your eyes and gave them back. Next we will take your ears, and you will walk in silence. You will give us your legs and crawl. You will be no one's daughter, no one's wife, no one's mother. Your name will be a lie, and the very face you wear will not be your own.

~ George R.r. Martin

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

~ Terry Brooks